


Shingeki no Groupchat

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: But we still love him, Comedy, Dark Humor, Everyone lives, F/F, Funny, I am so sorry, Idiots in Love, Idiots in denial, M/M, Reiner is NASTY, Sarcasm, Sassy Levi, bertholdt is lowkey a simp, crack-fic, daily updates, eren simping over levi, groupchat au, jean and marco like each other but don’t know it, levi is lowkey a bitch, marco is the nice boy, so much crack, texting au, ymir is cursed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:46:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 29,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24681025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is basically a texting au where it follows the original plot of the anime,, except none of the major and minor characters die!! And an au where they’re all pretty much crackheads.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Erwin Smith, Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi/Eren Yeager, Minor or Background Relationship(s), implied jean kirstein/marco bott
Comments: 161
Kudos: 157





	1. Suicide squad, Judgemental people and defective equipment

**Author's Note:**

> I literally just slipped into this fandom 4 days agO WHEN I FINISHED THE ANIME 4 DAYS AGO HELL YEAH and yeah I’m so addicted god help me actually I don’t want help this fan base is amazing and the anime is just as <3333

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training, picking regiments, and crackheads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally slid into the fandom like 4 days ago and oh my god im so obsessed the fanbase is absolutely amAZING and the anime is as just :))

**Bot added Eren Jeager, Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Jean Kirstein, Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, Marco Bodt,Krista Lenz,Ymir, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Hoover, and Annie Leonhart to Trainees Squad 104**

Bot: Welcome to the official groupchat of Trainees squad 104! From now on you will be trained and shaped to serve your purpose! This chat is for questions only. Please try to avoid sending unnecessary messages here!

Connie

YALLLL DID YALLL SEE WHAT JUS HAPPENED BACK THERE

  
  


Ymir

Are we talking about jeans sorry ass or the fact that Sasha is a literal fucking psycho 

  
  


Connie

I was talking about Sasha but now that u mention it f for jean

  
  


Jean 

Shut up u avatar the last air bender looking ass

_ Jean changed Connie’s username to avatarthelastairbenderbitch _

_ Avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed jean‘s username to johneighhh _

Eren

lmAOO 

facts though 

  
  


johneighhh

how fuckin dare yOU

Krista

Cmon guys let’s not fight! This is a gc for questions only!

Ymir changed Kristas username to THICC

Ymir

;))

THICC

Hey! How do I change it back

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I don’t think u can...

Ymir 

she lowkey thCOUGHicc

Reiner 

ur under arrest for being a lesbian 

🤢

  
Ymir

and ur under arrest for being a hypocrite ;//

Johneighhh 

So like what happened to Sasha 

Armin

I think commander sadies made her run laps till sunset

Eren

Oh so that’s why she isn’t online

Reiner

She is probably still running as we speak

THICC

I brought bread for her

Sasha

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ymir

......

THICC

HOLY 

Sasha

mhmdmfhshd bREADDDD HMHHMSEHEHEHE KEKEKEJE

Ymir 

For a second I there I thought she ate Krista 

THICC

I nearly got my arm bitten off .........

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Ymir can u pls change kristas username it’s physically uncomfortable to the eyes

Ymir 

Ur non existent hair is physically uncomfortable to my eyes 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Oh my god fight me right mf now istg ifstg

Marco

Guys!

Eren

Sasha ur done running ur laps?

Sasha

YEAH MY ORGANS ARE PROLLY GONNA FALL OUT OF MY ASSHOLE BUT ITS WORTH IT THANKS TO KRISTA AND HER BREAD

THICC

You’re welcome!

Ymir changed THICCs username to YEESUSCHRISTA

Johneighhh

Haha that’s so funny I laughed

Eren

Imagine jean laughing

N e i g h g h g h g h

Reiner

Sasha why are you typing in all caps

Sasha

OH UH ACTUALLY HOW DO YOU TURN THIS THING OFF

Johneighhh

Wow I think I facepalmed so hard my brain flew to the back of my head

Eren 

Wat brain

Armin

Omg eren calm down

Eren

What happened to the rest of the people like Annie or Bertholdt?

Annie

I’m here

Eren

Why didn’t you say so

Annie

Because,

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

What about mikasa 

Armin

Oh she’ll probably come on if someone insults eren

Eren

Because?

Annie

Because why are you so fuckin nosy?

Mikasa

What did you just say

Marco

Uh guys this is a general chat....

Mikasa

Eren was just asking a question? Like tell me roman girl how was he being nosy? Did u really just purposely set yourself up to get backfired from your insult because as much as I don’t like to joke, I think you’re the one who’s nosy. Try not to let it stick out so much.

Armin

Mikasa-

Eren

MIKASA THATS ABIT-

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

WEEWOOWEEWOOEO

Johneighhh

So much for first impressions

Bertholdt 

Please that was too far,

Ymir changed Mikasa’s username to KICKASSA

  
Annie

Tsh, okay.

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Why do I feel like this started something .

Eren

Never interfere when it comes to the ladies

Armin

(We learned that the hard way)

Sasha

GUYS PLEASE HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK

_ Ymir changed Sashas username to iamamassiveidiot _

YEESUSCHRISTA

Ymir stop!

_ Avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed Ymir’s username to RED FLAG _

RED FLAG

oh well I can’t say it isn’t accurate

Marco

Sasha press the button with the upward arrow

iamthebiggestidiot

I AM REPEATEDLY PRESSING IT AND ITS REPEATEDLY NOT WORKING

RED FLAG

r u fucking kidding me rn gurl look at me,

press the button, o n c e

are you on fuckin nokia of some shit

iamthebiggestidiot

oh there thank you!

Johneighhh

So like gUYS what regiment r u guys gonna join

Marco 

I’m gonna join the military police!

Johneighhh

I assume we’re both going then for the same reason

Marco

Of course! Working for the king is such a high honor!:D

Johneighhh

nah fam be honest, u know like it’s the only way we’re gonna get that good life yk

Marco

What...but no..

Reiner

cmon jean I’m pretty sure he has good intentions I mean it’s marco

_ RED FLAG changed Marcos username to niceguy _

Eren

Idk about yall suckers 

but imma join the scouts

KICKASSA

Eren! No! That’s dangerous!

Johneighhh

That’s okay mikasa u can always come with me and join the military police ;))

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Ew

Reiner 

Wow eren? The scouting regiment? Yk that’s like suicide squad right?

Armin

Who is even surprised at this point ik yk wk we all saw this coming ;(

Eren

oh actually there is a reason behind it

Reiner

Oh really? 

Armin

I suggest you all log off now-

YEESUSCHRISTA 

Huh

Eren

So yk how like there are titans outside the wall right and we were pretty ok coz there was a wall till one day this gargantuan fucking Titan kicks a hole in the wall? yeah so like my homes been destroyed by a whole lot of titans and I lost my parents so I WILL ERADICATE EVERY SINGLE LAST FUCKING TITAN ON THIS FUCKING PLANET I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PUT THEM ALL AT MY MERCY. BY THE TIME I JOIN THE SCOUTS I WILL SLICE THEM UP CLEANER THAN SALTBAE EVER COULD AND I WILL MAKE SURE THEYRE BLOOD WILL SHOWER AND RAIN DOWN ON THE LAND ALL BY MY HANDS I WILL KILL THEM ALL I WILL DIE TRYING ACTUALLY NO I WILL NOT DIE TILL THEY ARE ALL ERADICATED EVEN IF I HAVE TO COME BACK TO LIFE I WILL KILL THEM ALL 

  
  


Reiner

...

  
  


Bertholdt 

....

  
Annie

👀

  
  


REDFLAG

yo u aight dude?

  
  


Armin

It’s a normal occurrence 

9:08 am

iamthebiggestidiot 

I don’t like my username...

  
  


_ avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed iamthebiggestidiots username to Sashabruh _

  
  


niceguy

Is anyone joining the garrison regiment?

  
avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

tbh if u join the garrison regiment I feel sorry for u

  
Reiner

I’m joining the scouts too.

  
Eren 

You?! And Bertholdt too?!

  
  


Bertholdt 

Yes

  
Eren

dang well ig we’ll be working together then :)

  
  


Johneighhh

That’s if u can even balance on the 3D manoeuvre gear without looking like someone put a rat down ur boxers

  
Eren

Omg stfu horses can’t talk

RED FLAG

idk bout yall suicidal motherfuckers but I’m joining the military police  🤟

  
  


YEESUSCHRISTA

Joining the scouts seems like an honourable choice though...

  
  


Eren

You should join the scouts .

  
RED FLAG

Do not I repeat do not encourage her.

  
  


KICKASSA

Eren please think about it it’s dangerous 

  
  


Eren

Quit it mom, this is my only chance at revenge >:((((((

  
  


KICKASSA

if you really are joining the scouts, I will too.

  
  


Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Is it just me or

  
  


RED FLAG

no it’s not just you.

  
  


5:54 pm

Eren

HDJAGDWHGEWHDHAJDHJWHDHEH

  
avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

what

  
  
Eren

My equipment was defective .

  
  


Sashabruh

oMG SO THERE WAS NO RAT IN UR BOXERS AFTER ALL?!

  
Armin

Wtf Sasha there was never a rat in his...

  
  


Johneighhh

I mean it was a joke but I’d be nonetheless unsurprised 

  
  


Eren 

Fuck u at least I could balance even with defective gear

  
  


RED FLAG

that was like 5 seconds before ur epic fail   
  


Eren

it doesn’t count cause my gear was defective so 😌

  
Reiner

stop picking on little kids for clout ymir 🙌

  
RED FLAG

no u 

mexicano lookin ass

  
  


_ avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed reiners username MEXICANO _

  
  


MEXICANO

Tf I don’t even look Mexican ??

  
  


Armin

I can kinda see it tho .

  
  


MEXICANO

yeah but at least I don’t look like someone who got casted for a boku no pico live action

  
  


Armin

I actually feel attacked w o o o o w

  
niceguy

Dw Armin u rock in a bowl cut :)

  
RED FLAG

why do i feel like marco was part of an all girls catholic school before enlisting 

niceguy

thats cause I was....

  
  


Armin 

Thanks Marco!!

  
  


_ Eren changed armins username to Pico _

  
Pico

eREN-

  
  


Eren

I cnat stop laugjibf it’s too similar 

  
  


_ Pico changed Erens username to myeyeslooklikeboogers _

  
  


myeyeslooklikeboogers

uhm my eyes do NOT look like boogers?

  
  


Johneighhh

they do

  
myeyeslooklikeboogers 

I didn’t know you liked to stare at my eyes so much 

  
  


KICKASSA

they look like gemstones...

  
  


Annie

Uh ok mikasa

  
  


_ avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed myeyeslooklikeboogerss username to Moveslikejeager  _

  
Moveslikejeager 

eyyyy

  
Sashabruh

Guys I was able to sneak in extra bread from the kitchen

  
YEESUSCHRISTA

really? Can I have some?

  
  


Sashabruh

n O .

  
RED FLAG

u give her or u die

  
Sashabruh

Ahahah here Krista 

  
YEESUSCHRISTA

thanks sasha!

a vatarthelastairbenderbitch 

istg some people here are scary as fuck 

  
Johneighhh

nah ur just a p0ssy

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

How can u say that John ur joining the military police just coz u couldn’t grow a pair of nuts

  
Johneighhh

Ok first of all it’s jean second these nuts r beyond ur comprehension 

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

It’s beyond my comprehension to understand why u don’t have any.

  
Johneighhh

Omfg what is ur problem 

  
Moveslikejeager 

Omfg idkmaybeyou?

  
  


Niceguy

Guys let’s stop fighting,,,Jean it isn’t worth ur time 

  
  


RED FLAG

jEaN iT iSnT wOrTh yOur TiMe

  
  


Johneighhh

lesbians don’t have rights 

RED FLAG

🤭

what did you just

  
  


avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

don’t fuck with the homies  🤟😔

  
YEESUSCHRISTA

Marco is right guys we should start learning how to get along 

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

idk about u Armin but Krista seems kinda like a phoney

Pico 

EREN WRONG CHAT ! 

  
Moveslikejeager 

Oh-

  
  


RED FLAG

Did you just shit talk Krista purposely behind our backs but at the same time not?

Moveslikejeager 

uh no I didn’t I meant horny 

SHIT *HOMIE

HOMIE 

MEXICANO

hitting on a lesbians girl jeager?

that’s not very cash money

  
RED FLAG

I’m giving u one second to v a m o o s e

YEESUSCHRISTA

Ymir it’s fine....

Moveslikejeager 

*is gone*

  
  


Sashabruh 

Wat is horny

Johneighhh

Wow are you 5

Sashabruh

Out of 5 :DDD

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

It’s when one has an excessive amount of horns

Sashabruh

Krista doesn’t have horns

Armin

petition to get Sasha to shut the fuck up?

RED FLAG

ooh where can I sign

Horny is what ur gonna be when I come over there Krista ;) but after I shoot eren

KICKASSA

if you want to hurt eren, your gonna have to deal with me

Moveslikejeager 

Mikasa pls don’t,,, oh and *is gone again*

MEXICANO 

ymir yk what PMs are right .

Annie

Sasha horny means when you’re aroused

  
  


Sashabruh

OaHHHHH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls follow my twitter 
> 
> [ https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1](url)
> 
> for updates or suggestions. Or just dm if u wanna be friends


	2. Whooping ass, TED talks, and underage drinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie whoops ass, Eren is an inspirational speaker and shit goes down in the grad party

12:03 pm

MEXICANO  
pfft

Pico  
pfft

Moveslikejeager   
Don’t even start .

Johneighhh  
well I mean, she totally KICKED ur ass though

Moveslikejeager   
How was I supposed to know that she was some sort of undercover ninja spy

Annie  
I’m not an undercover ninja spy,,,I just learnt it as a young girl

  
  
RED FLAG  
yall u n d e r s t i m a t e d wAmen

  
  
Moveslikejeager   
yeah ok it’s not like you have a say in it Reiner she practically whooped ur ass too

_  
  
Avatarthelastairbenderbitch changed Annie’s username to Kungfu master_

Kungfu master   
it’s not kung fu....plus there’s no point in it , 90 percent of us are gonna die anyway

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
Well that was dark

niceguy  
Hey Annie what regiment are you joining

Kungfu master  
I’m joining the military police

Johneighhh  
See jeager? Majority of us are joining the military police,  
Ur practically asking for death

Moveslikejeager   
YoU DOnT uNdErsTanD  
Ok look if you ppl want that sense of comfort then be my guest, but the scouts are literally the only hope humanities got left, and we all trained so hard for it? Are we really going to let it go to waste? 

Sashabruh  
...

Moveslikejeager   
Yeah sure we’ve only been losing so far but it’s only because we practically almost know nothing about them! but it’s the knowledge we get that pushes humanity forward. Nice to know though that all you really care about is yourself though,

Johneighhh  
Yeah whatever you’re still suicidal

Moveslikejeager   
Yeah ok uncle Johnny 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
UNCLE JOHNNYSHGDHWHD

Sashabruh  
Guys graduation is soon ...and I’m gonna miss yall 

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Aw I’m gonna miss you too

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
boo hoo 

RED FLAG  
I won’t 

MEXICANO  
These past 3 years were all worth it though, right Bertholdt?

Bertholdt   
Yeah

Moveslikejeager   
Istg is it just me or does Bertholdt not talk until like some given signal from Reiner 

Johneighhh  
nah it’s not just you

MEXICANO  
What are you talking about he talks all the time???

Kungfu master  
...

RED FLAG  
...

Bertholdt   
....

RED FLAG changes Bertholdt’s username to Reiner pt 2

Reiner pt 2  
what the fuck

MEXICANO   
What the fuck

___

  
7:34 pm

Johneighhh  
Eyy top 10 let’s celebrate 

Moveslikejeager   
Sorry jeAN but the only ones permitted to drink alcohol are those who graduated tOP 5

Johneighhh  
oh fUCK YOU ur just excited cause the only thing you ever drank in parties was orange juice

Pico  
I mean jeans not wrong

Moveslikejeager   
Oh u are so getting it tonight Armin

RED FLAG  
is there something we don’t know about

KICKASSA  
it means they’re probably gonna have a pillow fight and both cry after

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Yes let’s have a party! 

RED FLAG  
We are already having a graduation party idoit 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
idoit 

RED FLAG  
shut up u can’t talk u don’t have hair

avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
WHAT IS UR PROBLEM WITH ME AND MY BALD HEAD?

Johneighhh  
no offense dude u look like a monk

avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
thought we was homies 😤

Sashabruh  
GUYS I NEED UR HELP

RED FLAG  
you do

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Ymir ur such a jerk

RED FLAG  
**your jerk 🥰

MEXICANO  
ThrOws up

RED FLAG  
ur just jealous Bertholdt won’t let u top

MEXICANO  
Okay what the actual 

Reiner pt 2  
Ymir it’s not like that..

RED FLAG

[image](https://www.deviantart.com/marievl-sempai/art/Reiner-x-Bertholdt-705165804)

  
MEXICANO  
YMIR WHAT THE FUCK I 

Reiner pt 2  
Why am I the one wearing the wedding dress...

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
OMGSHSAHAHA IM SAVING THAT THANKS YMIR

Moveslikejeager   
can me and Armin be the flowerboys 

MEXICANO  
sure

Pico  
I never consented but thank you!

Kungfu master  
What does the sign say

KICKASSA  
it says “I have a big beak on top of my mouth”

Kungfu master  
Oh my god why do you hate me so much 

KICKASSA  
cause, 

Sashabruh   
GUYS PLEASE I HAVE A PROBLEM

KICKASSA  
Cause, why are you so nosy?

avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
*cue roblox death sound*

Kungfu master  
That’s it, I’m done 

Sashabruh  
G U YDSSSSS

Moveslikejeager   
What

Sashabruh  
They banned me from the kITCHEN UGHHHHH

RED FLAG  
about damn time

Johneighhh  
I mean considering that you steal from the kitchen everyday and eat more than the rest of us combined

Sashabruh  
plEASE can someone sneak in for me

RED FLAG

no

Sashabruh  
I WILL STARVE IF I DONT GET A MIDNIGHT SNACK

RED FLAG  
then s t a r v e

Sashabruh  
I will eat Connie who is currently beside me

MEXICANO  
Whoahoho we did not need to know that

Moveslikejeager   
Damn Connie getting lucky

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
;))  
OH MOMMY SHES ACTUALLY TRYING TO EAT ME

Pico  
We would like to put our hands together and chant a prayer to offer Connie as a sacrifice to Sasha 

Moveslikejeager   
Yes let us all join hands 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
YOU GUYS ARE SUPOISED TO BE HELPING ME GREHGDGE

niceguy  
I’ll get some bread for you Sasha 

Sashabruh  
I’m listening..

Johneighhh  
marCo dOnt 

niceguy   
just once? plus what if Connie gets eaten

RED FLAG

Then we k uMBA YA

  
avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
FUCK YOU WOMAN

____

1:12 am

Moveslikejeager   
lMAOAIHDDG jean 

Johneighhh  
What do you want jagger

Moveslikejeager   
Why aren’t you in the stables hUhhh

Johneighhh  
cauSe I’m unstabLe babeYYY

Pico   
I think that’s enough alcohol for tonigh

RED FLAG  
CONNIE THROW IT BACK

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
NO U

RED FLAG  
ThroW it back or u have no weener

MEXICANO  
As iF yoU CAN THROW IT BACK 

RED FLAG  
I CAN THROW IT BACK

Johneighhh  
What is there to throw bacK hUH ur as flat as a pancake 

RED FLAG  
Your dick is as flat as a pancake

Johneighhh  
WHATTTTT NOOOO MARCO WILL TELL YOU SO, RIVHT MARCO?

niceguy  
Jean I think we should head back.

avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
NONESENSE WE HAVENT HADBTHE DANCE OFF YET

Kungfu master  
Why do you guys all look like gigantic infants 

Moveslikejeager   
Haha that’s because weRE GONNA DIE YOUNG 🤪🤪 

Kungfu master  
Hahahahahahahagsba

KICKASSA  
Eren let’s go back to the cabin 

Moveslikejeager   
QUIT IT MOM

Johneighhh  
Holeeyyy shit that’s ur mom? I’m so jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were younger 

Moveslikejeager   
YOU WANA GO JEAN?

MEXICANO  
that’s so nasty jean this is why no one wants to RIDE you 

Moveslikejeager   
HAHAGGSBGOOD ONE REINER

Johneighhh  
PSHHH anyeone would wanna ride me, rIGHT MARCO

niceguy  
JEAN!!

Johneighhh  
Mmm cmere marco 

RED FLAG  
RidE him like a rodeo 

Pico  
OH MY GOD WHAT IS KRISTA DOUNG

MEXICANO  
iS THAT A FREE STRIPTEASE?

YEESUSCHRISTA  
I’m not stripteasing,,I just accidentally poured alcohol on my skirt teeehehe

Johneighhh  
Holy 😏😏 this is a treat

RED FLAG  
KRISTA WHAT ARE YOU DOING DONT REMOVE UR SKIRT 

MEXICANO

drOP IT KRISTA

RED FLAG  
KRISTA, HONEY, WE ARE GOING BACK TO THE CABIN

YEESUSCHRISTA  
buT yMirrrrrrrr

RED FLAG  
don’t but ymir me krisTA WE ARE GOING BACK.

MEXICANO  
don’t be such a killjoy yMIR

RED FLAG

if you so much as lOOK IN HER DIRECTION I WILL SNIP UR SHRIMP

Moveslikejeager   
Wait where’d Sasha go?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
She passed out

Johneighhh  
But she didn’t even drink anything???

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
She puked out so much food and fainted on the spot

MEXICANO  
Bruh moment

Johneighhh  
can someone tell me what’s happening to Thomas

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
Uh he’s dancing?

Kungfu master  
Oh I thought he was having heart palpitations and needed an ambulance

Moveslikejeager   
I’m boutta call an ambulance for myself I’m pretty sure i got cholera in my eye after witnessing that 

Pico  
You guys realize that ur not so subtly shading him right

MEXICANO  
someone’s gotta tell him

Reiner pt 2  
Reiner can we head back my balls feel like they’re gonna drop  
*head

MEXICANO  
hold on to it for a little longer ;)

avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
you guys are so fucking gay yk that right

MEXICANO  
aw don’t be jealous connie 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

[Image](https://static.zerochan.net/full/35/43/1514685.jpg?_gl=1*ty5oby*_ga*MkJYX3ZLcTgtc3pzQUNjNVdJVHUyOF9LenZNdTFMYjVRNGpraXRlS0pMYk9lSEJRQmdaTHYzcVZqMGFzb1duYw..)

  
Pico  
oof 

Reiner pt 2  
WAIT that’s not what you think it is

MEXICANO  
no homo tHAT WAS NO HOMO  
ISTG WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE PICTURES

Johneighhh  
ur so openly gay what can we do?

MEXICANO  
IM NOT GAY.  
YK WHAT

[Image](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/357754764131626676/)

  
  
Pico  
OOF

Moveslikejeager   
Damn jean I thought you told me you were “straighter than the pole your mom dances on”

Johneighh  
WHATEVER UR MOM STILL DANCED ON A POLE

niceguy  
....jean I really think we should head out

kungfu master  
Idk about u massive idiots but I’m heading out before I’m dragged unto the dance floor

MEXICANO  
You and Bertholdt should go ;)

Kungfu master  
Uh no

Reiner pt 2  
Oh that’s okay

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch   
dang I felt that

Reiner pt 2  
Shut up bald egg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Istg its so hard sometimes to keep up with the usernames, oh and i had so much fun writing this


	3. Colossal titan, pussies, and impulsive behaviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The colossal titan stikes again, Jean is a pussy and eren gets eaten

7:00 am

Sashabruh 

guys I snuck food for us

  
  


avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

you’re gonna get all of us in trouble you know

Sashabruh

I only stole 2 kgs of meat

  
  


Johneighhh 

DO U WANT TO SEND ALL OF US TO JAIL

  
  


avatarthelastairbenderbitch

PUT THAT SHIT BACK RFN

Sashabruh

the things I do for food...

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

yeah you can stop now

  
  


Pico

Guys is it just me or do I hear rumbling 

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

Huh???

  
  


Pico 

Like there’s some earthquake..

Johneighhh

Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy 

___

** Main hoes  **

7:05 am

Mikasa

Eren, Armin, how are things over there?

Be careful, you’re at the wall

Hello guys?

We promised to keep updated on our positions

7:07 am

Mikasa

Guys?

Eren?

___

**No bro pass no entry** ( formerly trainee squad 104)

7:05

Eren

ATTACKKKKJJVDGWHDGW

Johneighhh

IS THAT THE COLOSSAL TITNA 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

OHMTNF MOMMY

Johneighhh

HSHAHDG BYE GUYS

Pico

HES AIMING FOR THE CANOOONS

Sashabruh

AT THIS RATE WE RE GONNA GET FIRED

Johneighhh

HOW CAN YOU CRACK A PUN AT A TIME LIKE THIS U RAT 

Pico

There’s no doubting it- he’s intelligent

Moveslikejeager 

Wow thanks for telling us armin

we really couldn’t have known ourselves 

Pico

Oh fuck you I had a moment okay 

7:10

Pico

Eren! Are you okay? Did you get him?

Johneighhh

Istg if he actually got the colossal titan

Moveslikejeager 

UGHSGEG ALMOST 

then he just dissolves into thin air

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

guys I think there’s a bigger problem 

Moveslikejeager 

He kicked another hole

Wow I’m so fucking done with this dude

Johneighhh

For once I can actually agree

Pico

But if he’s here then the armoured Titan must also be here to knock down the inner wall like last time

Johneighhh 

But why even?

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

I’m so ready to clock a bitch

KICKASSA

Eren! Thank goodness you’re okay.The colossal titan is back?

Pico

I’m fine mikasa thanks for asking :,))

RED FLAG

Oof

Moveslikejeager 

YEAH HES BACK AND HIS FATASS KICKED ANOTHER HOLE IN THE WALL

Sashabruh 

THE MEAT 🤧🤧🤧

YEESUSCHRISTA

The colossal titan is back? To do the same thing it did 5 years ago?!

Moveslikejeager 

Yeah apparently

why can’t it just buy a soccer ball smh

Reiner pt 2

*he

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

The military police people be runnin around with their tails between their legs tryna calm the commotion  😏

Johneighhh

So I guess we are going to be fighting titans,,...

Moveslikejeager 

Better put on an extra pair of jeans jean

  
Johneighhh

How can you be so jEAGER at a time like this

  
  
RED FLAG

grow up yall

Niceguy

Can’t we all just cooperate for once? With our lives on the line?

  
  


Johneighhh

I’m supposed to be in the interior by now gdi

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

Pussy

  
Johneighhh

Sorry jeager not everyone wants to die a fallen hero

Moveslikejeager 

at least I’m not a pussy??

Johneighhh

😤

call me that one more time 

niceguy

honestly jean, I don’t think being a pussy makes you weak, it just helps you really understand those people who are also weak like no other 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

wholesome tingz  🥺

Johneighhh

tsh really 

Moveslikejeager 

jean, we’ve survived 3 years together, I’m HIV positive we’ll come out of this alive

Johneighhh

Didn’t need to know u had STDs jeager

Moveslikejeager 

Whatever uncle Johnny

RED FLAG

Bruh moment 

7:51 am

Johneighhh

Oh fuCk I did NOT sign up for this

Moveslikejeager 

Now we finally get to K ILL TITANS GDJSGDJWGE

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I lowkey don’t wanna do this

Pico

Same

Moveslikejeager 

THIS IS THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Johneighhh

*YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

Moveslikejeager 

Is someone scared jeAn?

RED FLAG

Dude where are the reinforcements

niceguy

I think they’ll be here soon

RED FLAG

wow where are they when you actually

need them?

Moveslikejeager 

We can still tAKE THEM

Johneighhh

Istg eren

Sashabruh

WAIT WE RE ONLY CADETS?! HOW ARE WE GONNA 

Moveslikejeager 

aaaaaaaaAaAAA

Pico

EREN WE R NO MATCH I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE WE SHOULD RETREAT

Moveslikejeager 

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE WITH THAT NOTION

Johneighhh

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY WANT TO FUCK YOU

*PUNCH YOU

  
  


Moveslikejeager

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DECLINE BUT THANKS

  
niceguy

HeaRt bEen bRoKe sO mAny TimEs

  
  


Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE YOU ARE ALL HOMOSEXUALS

  
RED FLAG

SHUT UP

___

8:06 am

Johneighhh

Oh gOD OH FUCK WHY IS EVERYOEN DYING

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

EVEN THE VETERANS ARE GETTING EATEN DUDE REINFORCEMENTS WHO??

Sashabruh

I CANT DO THIS AHYMORE HHHH

Moveslikejeager 

JUST FOCUS ON THE MISSION

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

DUDE. THERES A JUMPING TITAN

Johneighhh

STOP SAYING WEIRD SHIT YOU MIDG

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

THIS IS DISCRIMINATION 

Pico

NO NO HES NOT THATS AN ABNORMAL

  
  


Johneighhh

UR ABNORMAL

  
  


RED FLAG

guys calm down my phone keeps dinging istg it’s gonna fall out

  
  


YEESUSCHRISTA

What’s happening to you guys

  
  


Moveslikejeager 

IT ATE THOMAS

  
  


Pico

EREN DONT RUN AFTER IT 

  
  


Moveslikejeager

IT FUCKIN ATE THOMAS IM GONNA

  
  


Johneighhh

FUCK MARCO WHERE ARE YOU

  
  


Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I DEFINITELY DID NOT JUST PISS RN

  
  


Pico

I DEFINITELY DID NOT NEED TO KNOW 

THAT

___

8:16

Pico

SOMEOEN HELP

Moveslikejeager 

Armin WHERE ARE YOU.

Pico

SANTA CLAUS IS GONNA EAT ME

Moveslikejeager 

What

Santa Claus

Pico

DUDE PLS OH GOD HIS BREATH STINKS   
i can feel my head spinning so hard rn

Moveslikejeager

What does it smell like

Pico

Like rotting corpses, blood, the stale stench of death, and morning breath

Moveslikejeager 

On it

AH FUCK

My leg

Just got chomped off

Well shit

Pico

Well shit

WAIT DHDE ARE U OKAY

EREN

8:17 am

Pico

EREN

EREN WAKE UP

PLEASE SKNEONE

8:45 am

Pico

Holy fucking s hit.

Is anyone online?

Hello?

8:46 am

Pico

Fuck I need help please 

Eren.

EREN OH GOD ERENS...

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP EREN GOT SWALLOWED BY A TITAN

IS ANYONE ONLINE

istg eren there better be signal in there 

WHY ARENT YOU REPLYING

9:00 am

Pico

You can’t be dead

You can’t 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: Malkandcookies1


	4. Hysterics, bold women, and a strange Titan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin has lost hope, and so had the others. Except for mikasa, she’s just, not like other girls. And suddenly a strange Titan appears, stranger than any they'd seen before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyy u know where this is heading

9:56 am

YEESUSCHRISTA

Armin! You’re awake! What happened to you

RED FLAG

dude u passed out on the roof

Pico

...

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Where are the others 

Pico

Dead

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Oh

RED FLAG

Have you guys seen Reiner and Reiner pt 2?

YEESUSCHRISTA

they must be around here somewhere 

Pico

Please 

Just leave me here

RED FLAG

What?

Pico

I’m so fucking useless

Hahahahaha 

RED FLAG

omg why r you crying 

Pico

THEGRE ALL DEAD

THE OTHERS

EREN

the voices in my head are having a fucking party

you don’t need me

Oh my god please let me die

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

calm ur tits

We’re still trying to find the others

Wait what happened to eren

YEESUSCHRISTA

No...

Really he?

RED FLAG

That’s kinda sus though

Only you survived but the others were killed?

Including eren?

You out of all people?

cmon it’s armin guys 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

fuck off ymir

i don’t see how u have so much confidence when u have literally the most tragic cup size, even for lesbians 

RED FLAG

Oh so that’s why men have no self esteem!

women really are the superior race

avatarthelastairbenderbitch

women must be ashamed to have you part of their race

RED FLAG

at least I’m part of the human race??

Anyways we’re finished, no ones coming

YEESUSCHRISTA

Guys please! This is the worst time to be fighting

I understand that we re frantic now because our friends are dying but we have to focus on getting out of here and fighting isn’t gonna get us anywhere

RED FLAG

that’s my krisTa

yk after all of this bullshit we really should get married ;))

Pico 

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

ARMIN WHERE ARE YOU GOING

YEESUSCHRISTA

ARMIN WAIT

10:01 am

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Jean we need to head over to the HQ

Johneighhh

oh hey connie welcome to the club

We’re all low on gas

Sashabruh 

And still, there’s like a horde of titans lounging around the HQ

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

I AM WELL AWARE

But staying here wont do anything but make us Titan bait 

Johneighhh

still,,,there aren’t much of us left in this Titan buffet 

and we don’t have a capable leader

Sashabruh 

We can’t just give up now?!

Johneighhh 

Give it up alright

Sashabruh 

...:,(

Kungfu master

Reiner? Isn’t there anything else we can do?

MEXICANO

no, not right now...

niceguy

is this really how we all end?

Before it even started

Kungfu master

I mean what else does it look like 

Johneighhh 

Gdi

Marco, we were supposed to go into the interior but this shit ended up happening

niceguy

Would my death even

Mean anything at this point?

Johneighhh

fucking shit, yk it really sucks when you can’t do anything 

KICKASSA

it must really suck to be you then

MEXICANO

Mikasa? Where tf were you this whole time

KICKASSA

handling an abnormal

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Of course you were

  
KICKASSA

Where’s eren

Kungfu master

Try talking to that blonde friend of yours over there

KICKASSA

Armin where is eren.

ARMIN

Pico

Mikasa

Since when did you get here

KICKASSA 

Where

Is 

Eren

MEXICANO 

jc woman

Pico

His whole squad

Thomas

Mina

They’re all dead

Including him.

KICKASSA

What are we doing here then? Being all emotional?

There’s no time 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

why was I lowkey expecting a more dramatic reaction...

Johneighhh  
same..

Pico

GET IT IN YOUR HEAD MIKASA WE RE ALL DONE FOR

FINITO

FINISHED

KICKASSA

that’s what you weaklings think

unlike me,

I am going to go to HQ 

Sashabruh 

Dude we have no gas

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Honestly mikasa r u actually as suicidal as your bf? 

You know we’re never gonna make it in time

KICKASSA

I know the risk

But still if I make it, then that’s better than nothing ???

Johneighhh

........

KICKASSA

catch yall later then,

MEXICANO

just like that she rides off into distance,

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

like a bad girl  😔😔

Johneighhh

Fuck it

What’ve we got to loose at this point?

I’m no motivational speaker but

Lately, erens been getting on my nerves

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

and just like that he’s off,

Sashabruh

Cmon guys!

10:05 am

MEXICANO

this bitch really be zippin through the air like she don’t care’

Johneighhh

How tf is mikasa so fast?

Pico

Wait..

She’s using up all her gas

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

WHAT KINDOF IDIOT

Pico

To forgetti her regretti  🥺🤟

Basically she’s trying to relieve her emotional pain of losing the only boy she’s ever loved by fighting

Johneighhh

SHE LL JUST WIND UP DEAD

RED FLAG

SUCKS 2 B HER THEN WE CANT DO ANYTHING ELSE

Pico

MIKASA

Johneighhh

Fuck

ARMIN YOU AND CONNY GO AFTER HER ILL LEAD THE REST OF THE SQUAD

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

YESSIR

Johneighhh

Oh god we might actually make it .

Sashabruh 

ITS QUITE HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN EVERYONE IS DYING AROUND YOU

YEESUSCHRISTA

NO SHIT SHERLOCK

Johneighhh

FUCK WE WILL MAKE IT OKAY

10:20 am

Pico

MIKASA ARE YOU ALRIGHT 

KICKASSA

Yeah

Yeah I’m fine

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Dude u look stoned af are you seriously okay?

Jesus Christ on a fucking motorbike.

Is that

Pico

It’s a titan but it’s

killing other titans?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

wow thanks for stating the obvious I rlly didn’t know that

Pico

istg-

KICKASSA

it’s not like other titans,,,

It’s somehow...

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

that rawr though  🥺🥺

Pico

mikasa

Take my gas tank. And my blades. 

You and Connie get the fuck out of here

KICKASSA

no armin. 

I didn’t even realize I was such a fuckin idiot.

I nearly led you guys to your deaths just because I was suffering from my own problems

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yeah yeah we know ok let’s go 

KICKASSA

I don’t know if it’s just me

but that Titan,,

Pico 

Mhm

Hoes mad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s lowkey hard to write a parody of this coz it’s such a heavy anime hahaha 
> 
> Twitter: Malkandcookies1


	5. big brain time, doog doog doog, and idiot crushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin has a big brain, the boys r comin, and jean and Marco are oblivious little shits

10:30 am

Pico

Yk you guys really should just leave me here

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Wtf r u talkin about

Pico

Dude I’m useless load and both of u know that

KICKASSA

u might be useless load but your brain isn’t 

Pico

Gee thanks 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

At this rate, with how many titans there are, I don’t think we’ll be able to escape 

Pico

Then 

What if we

Use that rogue to get to the HQ

KICKASSA

elaborate

Pico

If you guys maybe kill the titans surrounding it it’ll be drawn to kill the other titans, hence giving the others a better chance to get to HQ and resupply 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Damn 

We really making a titan our ally rn?

KICKASSA

it’s something or nothing  🤷‍♀️

10:35

Johneighhh

Oh god why am I such a fuck up

RED FLAG

no texting while manoeuvringggg

Johneighhh

This has all gone to shit

WAIT THERES A CLUSTER HERE 

QUICK ALL OF YOU TURN TOWARDS THE EMPTIER STREETS

niceguy

JEAN!

Johneighhh

Fuck that was way too fucking close fuck fuck fuck fuck

niceguy

nice one.

I think you really are cut out to be a leader after all :)

Johneighhh

...

MEXICANO

YOU GUYS CAN FUCK LATER

Now cmon 

10:37 am

Johneighhh

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

THESE SUPPLY KIDS WERE HERE BUT THEY DIDNT DO JACK SHIT???

LOOK AT THESE MFS

niceguy

Jean don’t punch them!

Johneighhh

OUR HOMIES WERE DYIN OUT THERE

Kungfu master

here we go again  🙄

MEXICANO

fuck abort the titans are breaking through

Johneighhh

CAN WE EVEN DEFEAT THESE THINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Wait what was that

MEXICANO

I’m pretty sure yall r seeing what I’m seeing

niceguy

no way..?

MEXICANO 

It’s a titan but it’s 

Johneighhh

MikASA 

Pico

We made it 

Johneighhh

Yeah yeah that much is obvious but what’s that

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

That rogue? No fuckin clue but we led it here

This madlad took out like 15 different titans and we used it to get here

MEXICANO

You used a titan to kill other titans? Without it attacking you?

Girl what

KICKASSA

it ignores humans, it only kills titans???

Pico 

We wouldn’t have been able to escape if it weren’t for it

KICKASSA

We could really use this to our advantage though..

Johneighhh

A titan ally?

Yall r insane

Pico

I mean just look at it

Reiner pt 2

damn talk about complete utter annihilation 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

He’s just not like other titans  🙌😔

Pico 

It’s prolly not just me but 

h o e s m a d

MEXICANO

hoes mad  👏

Pico

Ok so I have an absolute genius foolproof plan

Johneighhh

Shoot

Pico

First,

Bring in the guns

Johneighhh

Eyyy

10:39 am

Pico

Ok so yk how the titans have infiltrated the supply room downstairs?

Johneighhh

yuh

Pico

Aight so the majority of us will be on the lift that’ll be lowered down to lure the titans, once we’re down there and they’re pretty much in close range to us 

Johneighhh

then we go doog doog doog 

Pico 

hell yeah

MEXICANO

Who gives the signal

Pico 

Me bitch

MEXICANO

alr chill sherry 

Pico

Then we’re gonna need the 7 best soldiers here to leap down from the rafters and take them out

Johneighhh

but since we don’t have 3D manoeuvre gear, it’s a one shot thing right 

Pico

It’s one shot, and one shot to get it right .

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

damnn 

Pico

Actually I’m not so sure of this anymore 

maybe there’s a better plan..?

KICKASSA

hush 

ur brain has saved us countless times before

Pico

Gee th a n ks 

10:47 am

Johneighhh

We really doin this huh

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

4 the homie DJ screw  ✊

MEXICANO

hey Connie yk there is a weak spot for titans other than the nape 

Johneighhh

what-

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Huh no?? Really?

MEXICANO

It’s up the ass

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

NOODHSHD ☠️☠️

RED FLAG

wow funny joke xdxdxdxdxdxd

Johneighhh

you must be a titan then marco 

niceguy 

I don’t get it

kungfu master

if it’s ur weak spot...

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

absolutely horrendous stop this at once

niceguy

omg maybe I am

RED FLAG

eeeeeeew

Johneighhh

as if u don’t like ass ymir 

RED FLAG

#kristassonly

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

you guys are so nasty i cnat even  😷

MEXICANO

keep in mind what I said connie 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

STFUSHSGS

10:51 am

Pico

NOW

10:53

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Fuck I missed

Sashabruh 

Fuck me 2

MEXICANO

That sounds kinda wrong

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

oh god Annie you

saved me

Kungfu master

Yeah yeah your welcome

Sashabruh

thank u mikasa 

KICKASSA  
don’t mention it

Pico

At least no one died

We should all be able to refill now

KICKASSA

thanks to you

Pico 

Oh wow u actually acknowledged me what

___

** Annie **

Bertholdt 

Hey

Annie

Hi

Bertholdt 

I just wanted to say

Annie

?

Bertholdt 

I’m glad 

Your okay

Annie

Same

Bertholdt 

What

seen 10:57 am

____

** Marco  **

10:55 am

Marco

Hey jean

Jean

Marco

Marco

You really did well out there yk that?

Jean

...?

Marco

You being a leader and all :)

Jean

Idk Marco

After everyone who died at the hands of my orders

How could you say something like that

Marco

Well just like I said

I think the fact that you’re weak makes you understand the weak unlike others

like our fellow comrades who always feel like giving up

and you always decide the best course of action for us

<3

Jean

tshh

Stop making me smile you idiot

Marco

<33

_____

** Reiner **

10:56 am

Bertholdt 

Dude

Dude

Dude

Reiner

Dude

Bertholdt 

I did what you suggested me to do

I told her that I was glad she was okay

Reiner 

what’d she say

Bertholdt 

she said same

Reiner

Duuuuude

She’s whipped for u

Bertholdt

NO SHE COULD HAVE MEANT

She could have meant she’s glad she wasn’t hurt too

Reiner

Cmon dude I’m pretty sure she meant you

I mean cmon it’s annie 

Bertholdt 

:(((

Reiner

What if she actually did mean you

Bertholdt 

Dgeghsgdsh

Reiner

CMON DUDE U GOTTA MAKE THE MOVE ALR

Bertholdt 

What move

Reiner

Remember how I said a titan has another weak spot

Bertholdt 

No-

Reiner

Up The Ass

Annie is a titan too

;))

Bertholdt 

Bye

____

** No bro pass no entry **

11:00 am

Johneighhh

We should be all set to go then

niceguy

yeah

KICKASSA  
wait

that titan

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

what about it?????

KICKASSA

it’s getting overpowered

Don’t you think we should

Help it

Johneighhh

BITCH WAT

MEXICANO

Actually why not

If it dies we won’t get to learn anything about it 

Johneighhh

Dude it’s still a t i t an ya hear

At this point we’ll be bRUNCH

Kungfu master

It could be a potential ally 

We never know

Pico 

Guys check this out

Oh wait it’s the abnormal that killed Thomas

Johneighhh

Jfc this is a highschool hallway fight on another level

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

like have yall ever seen a titan this mad omg

Johneighhh

And it’s down folks

What a show

Alright idk about u guys but I’m fucking out of here 

KICKASSA

wait look...

OH MY FUCKING GOD

MAMMA MIA MAMACITA

ITS EREN

Pico

IS HE ALIVE

KICKASSA

YES

OH MY GOD YES

MEXICANO

Holy shit

Idk what’s more shocking eren coming out of a titan or mikasa crying

Kungfu master

damn i kinda wish I had popcorn rn

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I feel like I’m watching a kdrama 

Pico

Shush 

11:30 am

Kungfu master

jc mikasa it’s been 30 minutes you can let him go now

Pico

Wait what the

His limbs regenerated 

MEXICANO

What?

Pico

His arm 

His leg

They’re alright..?

MEXICANO

omg now they’re all crying

Kungfu master

why does this feel kinda awkward but sad

MEXICANO

this shit got me in my feelings  😞

Kungfu master

Stop

Singing thaT

Johneighhh

Holy shite 

All these titan corpses

They really all died at the hands of jeager?

dang 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twitter: Malkandcookies1
> 
> IM SO PROUD OF THIS CHAPTER SHDHSGD


	6. Levi ✨, Wise one, and Amnesia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is a celebrity, the comrades regroup, and eren has absolutely no recollection of anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY SHORT IM SORRY. Tomorrow the chapter will be really long okay?

(This is sort of like a flashback)

8:00 am

** Main hoes **

Eren

Holy f00kin shit 

That’s Captain Levi isn’t it?

Armin

I mean if that ain’t humanity’s strongest soldier then who is

Eren

He looks kinda small though???

____

**WEBADBOYS** (scouring regiment)

8:01 am

Horny4titans

omg levi ur like a celebrity 

I can literally hear everyone talking about you

Yesidothecleaning

Amateurs

Also for the last time hange stop changing my username

_ Horny4titans changed Yesidothecleaning to MAMITA _

MAMITA

Wtf?

Horny4titans 

Sorry but only if they knew how much of a mom u actually are .

MAMITA

just because i have cleaning habits and I have decent hygiene 

unlike someone

doesn’t mean I’m a mom?

Horny4titans 

*cleaning disorder

Erbrows

Sorry but she isn’t wrong Levi

MAMITA

fuck you erwin

Horny4titans 

AAAAA I’m so excited to see what kind of titans are just WAITING FOR US out there 

OHMYGOD I hope we find some abnormals

MAMITA

I already found one

Horny4titans 

wHAAAAT WHERE

MAMITA

look in a mirror will you

Horny4titans 

Ö

______

(AYT BACK TO PRESENT TIME)

** Main hoes **

1:23 am

Eren 

Armin? Mikasa?

Armin

Holy shit you’re awake

Fucking finally

Eren

Why are there a couple of men screaming at us pointing canons and blades at us

It’s kind of annoying

Armin

It’s kind of your fault

Eren

My fault?

Mikasa

Guys.

Armin

They can shoot as anytime

If they don’t like what you say

Eren

Why are they treating me like I’m some monster???

Mikasa

Because you were.

Eren

What??? Dude I’m boutta blow my brains out I’m so confuzzled

Armin

HE will blow our brains out

Do you really not remember anything

Eren

What am I supposed to remember?

__

** No bro pass no entry  **

1:24 am

YEESUSCHRISTA

what happened to the rest of the soldiers

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Titan chow

YEESUSCHRISTA

Oh...

But where’s mikasa?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

She should have arrived with jean

Speak of the devil himself

YEESUSCHRISTA

She isn’t with you

Where is she? Is she okay?

Johneighhh

...

You’ll all know soon enough

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yk things have gone to shit if jean is speechless 

Johneighhh

Soon enough 

You’ll know

YEESUSCHRISTA

ö

_____

** Main hoes **

1:30 am

Eren

Wait a damn minute

Wait a damn minute

You’re saying I became a titan?

Armin

We don’t have much time to explain considering this maniac is gonna obliterate us if we don’t act soon

But yes

Eren

He’s saying I came out of a titan..

And if I’m a human or a

Wtf? 

Is everyone srs rn?

Armin

He’s paranoid eren

I mean he and his squad did witness you coming out of a titan so

Eren

Wish I did

Okay what the fuck I feel attacked

Mikasa

No ones attacking you.

At least not while I’m here

Armin

You’re a valuable soldier mikasa.

they wouldn’t risk killing you

I think

Mikasa

Nah they wouldn’t 

Armin

Eren maybe u should skidoodle b4 it’s too late 

Eren

Wait I remember my left arm getting

So it wasn’t a dream after all

All that shit was real

Armin

YES OKAY WOW U ONLY GOT IT NOW?

You gotta make a choice and make it quick

Eren

Fuck

I’m a human

Obviously 

Mikasa

Well they didn’t believe that

Quick, you and armin go

Eren

WAIT NO

Mikasa

EREN!

Armin

Whoa eren?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow my twitter cause I’ll be posting some snippets of some Ereri iMessages I made hahaha
> 
> Twitter: [ https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1](url)


	7. Sexist dudes, corrupt officers, and the MAIN HOES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner is sexist, woermann has no chill and eren thinks of escaping

** No bro pass no entry **

1:27 pm

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Marco do smth

niceguy

what?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Work ur nice guy powers 

Daz is having another suicide episode smh 

niceguy

Oh uh

Okay 

Damn well apparently he’s just happy that he was the lone survivor among his comrades and he didn’t end up dying

MEXICANO

So now he’s trying to kill himself?

Some logic  🤦

niceguy

Well according to him he might be the next one

MEXICANO

damn I knew he was a girl

Kungfu master

what are you implying 

I’m right beside you yk

MEXICANO

POPULAR UNPOPULAR OPINION: girls r weak

Kungfu master

I’m pretty sure I could tuck ur nose inside of ur head in a good thirty seconds

MEXICANO

that is if u can reach my face in the first place 

Reiner pt 2

sorry dude but she’ll always be the bigger WOman

Kungfu master

Wow I

See Reiner, your friend knows what’s good 

😎

MEXICANO

I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t just get betrayed by my childhood friend and crib buddy 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yall slept together in the same bed ??  🤢

Johneighhh

Sorry Reiner but it looks like you got

hoes > bros 

MEXICANO

heart been broke so many times-

niceguy

guys he won’t calm down I’m boutta call child services

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

LMAOGDSHGD

niceguy

I mean cmon look at Sasha 

She looks like she’s been through hassle

Sashabruh

KFHEKHEJFJKSHCOJDKWJFJANGBWE FHANDHQJJQN

RED FLAG

My girl out here really speakin italien  😩

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Whoa Sasha you okay

Sashabruh

MY STOMAHC HURTSS

I WNAT DEATH

NO ACTUALLY I WANT HISPITAL

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

hispital 

RED FLAG

girl r u telling me you never had a stomach ache 

considering how much you consume on a daily basis

Sashabruh

I THJNK IT WAS AFTER ALL THE MANOEUVRING UGHSGFG

my intestines are gonna fall out

RED FLAG

hot

YEESUSCHRISTA

So jean

Where are eren and mikasa

Johneighhh

My lips are zipped

niceguy

that’s not how it was last night

RED FLAG

WHAT

MEXICANO 

WHAT

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

WHAT

Kungfu master

DuDE WHAT

nice guy

hahaha cmon guys it was a joke! We joke all the time

MEXICANO

With the way jean is shaking

it don’t seem like no joke 

Kungfu master

👀

Johneighhh

AHAHAHAASYOUWERESAYINGKRISTA?

YEESUSCHRISTA

I was asking where eren and mikasa were???

Johneighhh 

I can’t say

YEESUSCHRISTA

Why not?

Johneighhh

If I do

Everyone’s gonna go batshit

:))

RED FLAG

The question is, why aren’t you going batshit

Johneighhh

Why are you so nosy

RED FLAG

Aw you’re unnaturally cranky

Did someone forget to take a nap?

YEESUSCHRISTA

why is everyone gonna go batshit?

RED FLAG

Krista bb pls don’t say that

YEESUSCHRISTA

why not? I can curse

avatarthelastairbenderbitch

can you say fuck me?

RED FLAG

DONT ENCOURAGE HER

CONNIE I WILL CANCEL YOU.

YEESUSCHRISTA

fuck me??

MEXICANO

save those words for later ;)

YEESUSCHRISTA

.

niceguy

why is Ymir’s eye twitching like crazy

MEXICANO

oh idk there’s probably dust in it

RED FLAG

dust is what you’ll be when I’m through with you .

MEXICANO

*is vv scared oooh*  
  


YEESUSCHRISTA

don’t worry about it ymir I’ll only curse in front you from now on :DD

RED FLAG

..👁 👁

**below me

avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Hippity hop u all need to s t o p 

MEXICANO

ha bet

RED FLAG

u wanna gO U WANNA FUCKIN GO BITC IAM RIGHT HERE 

niceguy

WHOA

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Jesus Christ that was loud 

Johneighh 

It was a canon fire.

MEXICANO

well we’re off boys

Johneighhh

YO WAIT UP

_____

** Garrison Regiment **

1:31 pm

Commander Woermann

WE CANNOT BELIEVE A WORD THAT HERETIC SAYS

Rico

He did say he was a human, but it seems like he doesn’t even know how to control whatever power he has

Commander Woermann

HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED ABSOLUTELY NOT

Rico

Do we load a second one?

Commander Woermann

LOAD THE SECOND SHOT

WAIT FOR THE SMOKE TO CLEAR THEN ON MY SIGNAL

_____

** Main hoes **

1:33 pm

Eren

Holy shit

Armin

Holy shit indeed

Eren

I transformed but I didn’t?

Mikasa

Nevertheless you saved us from that canon shot

Eren

Maybe it’s cause I was only intent on stopping it?

Armin

Hm.

Eren

It’s not gonna hold out for long though 

And neither is this smoke

Mikasa

What do you suggest we do then

Eren

Well I have two options

First, I become a titan and go back into wall Maria, where I find my dads basement and whatever hidden truth he left there

Mikasa

If you do that I’ll come with you then

Eren

Woman r u stoopid

They need you here 

Plus I need to go by myself 

Mikasa

You will die if I don’t come with you

Eren

I DONT FUCKIN NEED YOU TO SURVIVE OKAY GOD JESUS FUCK UR GIVING ME A HEADACHE 

Mikasa

Eren listen to me even if you are a titan it’s still dangerous out there

Eren

Yk the more you talk the more determined I am to go alone 

Armin

U guys keep arguing I'll just stand here feeling utterly useless :D

Eren

wHICH LEADS ME TO MY SECOND OPTION

armin u can talk to him and convince him it’s all gucci 

Armin

What me? Why?

Eren

Dude

Yk if you hadn’t told Hannes to go after us while we were trying to get mom, we would have been long dead???

Armin

Wait so you guys don’t think I’m useless?

Eren

Nah

Mikasa

Most of the time no

Armin

You guys  🥺

Eren

Now go out there and work ur magic 

_____

** Garrison regiment  **

1:40 pm

Ian

Commander, he has a point

What if we can weaponize him?

Or rather make him a very useful ally to humanity?

Commander Woermann

NONSENSE HOW CAN HE BE TRUSTED 

FOR ALL WE KNOW HE COULD GO BERSERK

Rico

Then again, we witnessed that he only took down titans, no human was harmed

Commander Woermann

STILL

PREPARE THE SECOND SHOT

Rico

Yk you can turn off you’re caps lock right 

Commander Woermann

Oh

___

** Main hoes **

1:41 pm

Armin

It’s no use uGH

he’s scared shitless

Eren

Still u tried bro  😔

___

** Garrison Regiment  **

1:41 pm

Pyxis 

I think the fuck not u trick ass bitch ;)

Commander Woermann

HOLY SHIT

Rico

Holy shit commander pyxis..

Pyxis

I wanna hear him out 

Woermann

Organise the reinforcements

Commander Woermann

Gdi

YES SIR

____

** Main hoes **

5:00 am

Armin

Damn eren

You’ve got some mission .

Eren

He wanted me to plug up the wall...

Mikasa

I think you can do it 

Armin

Well I mean it was myy plan

Eren

Since when have we ever doubted you armin?

Armin

Idk like every single fucking time

Eren

Well, I mean sometimes but you always turn out right so

Armin

This might be our actual first victory .

Eren

Damn I feel like I’m gonna shit myself 

Nvm i alr did

Armin

Ew dude-

Eren

It was a JoKe

He’s a pretty cool dude though

Armin

I mean he’s like a professional among professionals  😎

Mikasa 

If it weren’t for him, we would have had to escape 

Eren

*I

Mikasa

Eren we are not having this discussion 

Eren

you just don’t understand mom

Armin

ouch u just got momzoned (again)

Mikasa

Armin give me that phone.

Eren

ARMIN RUN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when I say I update everyday u bet I update everyday *does fist to the chest thing*
> 
> ALSO PART 2 IS OUT CHECK OUT MY TWITTER
> 
> [ https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1 ](url)


	8. Battle plan, commotion, and twinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin has a battle plan to retake Trost, soldiers are protesting, and the whole thing is on eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I wasn’t able to update yesterday! I had a lot of stuff going on but dw I’m still updating daily

6:10 am

** Main hoes **

Eren

I’m having an existential crisis rn

Armin

Yea I think we all are just in case you didn’t know

Eren

I don’t even know if I can control my tITAN POWERS

What if i can’t even carry the rock in the first place?

Mikasa

*boulder

Eren

Well commander Pyxis did say i was a REAL man

and he believes I can do it <3

Armin

Oh and uh this plan seems like one whole big bet

and it’s all on you,,

uh sorry

Eren 

Nah it’s fine,

It’s the only option we have right? 

Armin

*youre the only option we have

Eren

thank u for worsening my existential crisis

and plus I’m pretty sure he’ll plan accordingly 

Armin

yw 

____

** No bro pass no entry **

6:10 am

Johneighhh

I swear a protest will actually break out

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

It’s not even speculation at this point  😔

Sashabruh

I mean it’s true,

We can’t retake Trost, not with half of us ending up as titan bait :((((

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Lmao and I thought jean was annoying

Johneighhh

Shut

Those days are long behind me  ✨💅

YEESUSCHRISTA

but the commander must have some plan right?

Kungfu master

he probably just hasn’t told us

Johneighhh

WHICH ISNT REALLY WORKING WELL ATM???

niceguy

I swear if daz goes off again -

Sashabruh 

Ooooof

RED FLAG

wee woo

niceguy

dyk how hard it is to maintain the composure that of an understanding, reliable comrade?

Johneighhh

Can’t imagine .

MEXICANO

he’s gonna get executed for throwing a tantrum yk

Reiner pt 2

Looks like he’s already convinced quite a crowd .

Sashabruh

Guys I donut want to fight to get back Trost if the same thing just happens again..

Johneighhh

why r ur jokes that of a 5th grade schoolgirl 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

if ur gonna make a joke, at least make it funny  😞

RED FLAG

if ur gonna exist, at least have some hair  😔

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I HAVE HAIR 

JUST NOT ON MY HEAD YOU BUG

RED FLAG

it’s down there

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

WHY ARE U SO DISGUSTING

MEXICANO

that’s kinda weird 

Oh wait I CAN SEE IT holy fuck Ymir does look like a bug

RED FLAG

with how horribly squinty you are I’m surprised you can see anything

MEXICANO

at least I don’t look like a bug

RED FLAG

AT LEAST IM NOT A VIRGIN

MEXICANO

IM NOT-

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

idk wether I should laugh or cringe

RED FLAG

u should die.

niceguy

NONE OF U R HELPIFN ME

Johneighhh

Wow is everyone actually leaving rn

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

We’re all gonna die .

___

** Eren **

6:14 am

Pyxis 

Let me ask you something 

Eren

Yes

Pyxis 

Have you heard of a certain legend

Where it says that humanity stopped fighting and united when against a common enemy

Eren

Uh no sir, I’ve never heard of it and

Pyxis

and?

Eren

I think it’s dumb

Pyxis 

lol same

____

6:20 am

Eren

Uh sir there’s commotion down below

Pyxis

It was bound to happen

Eren

Are they all just going to leave?

Pyxis 

Nah watch this

____

** No bro pass no entry **

6:21 am

Johneighhh

Homie is standing like 50 meters above us and for some reason we can still here him ??

Moveslikejeager 

you cannot question the legend.

Sashabruh

WHOA WE RE GONNA SEAL THE WALL??

Kungfu master

Wow I have absolutely clue on who they’re going to use

Sashabruh

Same!

MEXICANO

bruh 

Johneighhh

Ofc it’s eren 

Kungfu master

Oh wooow I totally did not see that coming

Johneighhh

Woooow such a main character

Moveslikejeager 

do I smell jealousy

Johneighhh

no u smell, periodt

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Sorry but like, he lost me when he said “eren will plug up the wall”

do any of yall have a clue abt what he’s saying

RED FLAG

shhhhh

smart people tingz only

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

You-

YEESUSCHRISTA

Where’s armin 

Moveslikejeager 

He’s laying out the battle plan

I mean this whole thing was his idea

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Whoa this whole thing was his plan?

MEXICANO

don’t underestimate the twink 

Kungfu master

God don’t make it weird Reiner 

Moveslikejeager 

Did u just call armin a twink

MEXICANO

Uh no

Moveslikejeager 

U not wrong though ;))

MEXICANO

;))

RED FLAG

and I’m the disgusting one?

YEESUSCHRISTA

sorry u kind of are

RED FLAG

OUCH

YEESUSCHRISTA

I’m not complaining 

RED FLAG

;)

Johneighhh

And wheres mikasa?

Moveslikejeager 

Actually I haven’t seen her

KICKASSA

I’m behind you

Moveslikejeager 

D O Y OU W AN T TO GI V E ME CAR DI AC ARR E ST

KICKASSA

what no

niceguy

oh tHANK GOD THEYRE NOT LEAVING

Sashabruh

Damn that commander really is something

MEXICANO

I mean he’s got a better point.

Moveslikejeager 

I swear I’m gonna plug up this wall if it’s the last thing I do

Johneighhh

How are you even sure you can control ur inner beast jEAGER

Pico

That’s the thing, 

We du n n o

Johneighhh

Wow that’s splendid

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

So this whole thing is basically one big bet

Pico

Pretty much, if eren can control his titan form and even a bigger if if he can carry that boulder

RED FLAG

wow Connie u actually understood the plan?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

niceguy

Damn eren, this whole thing sounds like it’s on you

Moveslikejeager 

I mean it is, but like what can I do

👁👄👁

Pico

Stop ur being creepy

_____

** Operation get back TROST **

6:40 am

Rico

Sir, will this human weapon really work?

Ian

Are u questioning the legend?

Rico

Dude even he’s unsure

Ian

Why are you so skeptical anyway

Rico

The real question here is why the fuck YOU aren’t 

Commander Pyxis

Do yall wanna be losers for like

forever?

Rico

What no 

Ian

No

Commander Pyxis

Well neither do I??

I admit I do hate losing more than anything, and I don’t wanna loose to them anymore 

So are we ready to begin?

Ian

Yes sir

Rico

Yes sir

Commander Pyxis

AYT

Ian I’m placing you in charge

Ian

But-

Commander Pyxis

But- but- but-

Stfu if I didn’t think you could do it would I even have placed you in charge 

Ian

I’m sorry

Armin

Hey eren I’m sorry

I put this whole thing is on you 

Eren

When are u gonna stop apologising 

I told u it’s fine

Mikasa

Sir, may I request to switch teams

So that I may be part of the elite team that guards eren 

Eren

Omg

We are not having this conversation rn

Mikasa

Sir please

Eren

Girl u part of the decoy team .

Mikasa

Eren how am I going to be there if something bad happens to you

Eren

You won’t be there .

Mikasa

Eren!

Eren

Woman

I’m not ur son I’m not ur little brother 

Ian

Alright, mikasa 

You can be part of the elite squad

Mikasa

Thank you.

Eren

🙄

Oh and armin

Armin

Yeah?

Eren

Don’t die

Armin

Right back at you

____

11:30 am

Ian

Alright so the plan is to head for the shortest route possible to the boulder

you do ur thing then carry the boulder towards the exit while the majority of us lure all of the titans towards the opposite end

Eren

Roger that

Rico

Eren remember

Eren

?

Rico

We’re putting our lives on the line for you

Those soldiers aren’t just pawns,

They all have families and stories of their own

Don’t forget that 

Eren

Yeah yeah

Commander Pyxis 

remember yall

If eren plugs up that bitch,

This will be the first victory of mankind

Eren

Damn I totally do not feel pressured rn

Rico

We’re all counting on you

Ian

Alright we’re here

11:37 am

Ian

Damn that’s a sexy titan

Rico

Oh my god don’t make this weird 

Ian

Mikasa!

Mikasa 

I’m fine

Why did he attack me?

Rico

I fucking knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls follow my twitter Malkandcookies1 or just check it out for some ereri iMessages that a customised


	9. Epic fail, dysfunctional gear, and revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren fails to awaken, Jeans gear malfunctions at the worst time possible, and armin is vvv inspirational

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys would be so kind to check out my other work  
> Attack on Titan (Prompt Generator)  
> And leave suggestions for a ship or a prompt :)  
> Pls do

11:37 pm

Mikasa

Wait! There must be something wrong!

I have to try and get him to focus

Ian

Don’t go near the damn tHING MIKASA

Mikasa

ITS NOT A THING ITS EREN

Rico

I knew it I knew it I fucking knew it this mission was one epic fail from the start 

I’m releasing the red signal

This wasted all of our time

Mitabi 

So does that mean we all retreat now?

Rico

Yes

Mikasa

Wait- and leave him here??

What-

Rico

Look kid we were all hoping your boyfriend could actually control this titan power of his

Turns out he can’t okay?

Ian

MIKASA HIS FIST

Mikasa

Shit

Ian 

That was too close

____

11:39 am

Armin

No...wait the mission failed?

Pyxis

Not quite 

Something might have gone wrong

But I trust that they won’t give up so easily 

Armin

I need to go.

_____

11:40 am

Mitabi 

We should retreat before he decides to go for any of us

Mikasa

WE ARE NOT RETREATING.

Ian

Okay okay take a chill pill.

Rico, mitabi you and your squad will take down the titans surrounding eren

Rico

DUDEHDYJWHD

Mitabi

HAVE U LOst ur DAMN MIND

Ian

Look we

Can’t abandon eren just yet

He’s pretty much our last chance

Rico

Tsh

Fine I’m only doing this not because I agree with you

But because I trust you

Ian

Thank you  🙏

_____

** No bro pass no entry **

11:44 am

Johneighhh

So like what’s the news on jeager 

niceguy 

Well armins heading over there

I think everything’s fine

HopeFulLy

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Do yall ever just get these thoughts like

Are all these people just dying in vain

Sashabruh 

:,((

Johneighhh

Uh no...

Niceguy

Cough cough

Johneighhh

I think we should preserve our numbers

For WW3

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I just think that now more than ever

we can’t afford to be added to the list of casualties 

RED FLAG

No fucking shit cornnie who wants to die?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Who are you calling cornnie?

RED FLAG

https://www.pinterest.ph/pin/310537336800321137/

Johneighhhh

HAHAHAHAHAH DUDE

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

IM CALLING UR MOM SO SHE CAN TAKE UR PHONE

RED FLAG

kristas offline rn

MEXICANO

Ymir wtf was that implication

YEESUSCHRISTA

it wasn’t 

RED FLAG

;)

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

GET EATEN YMIR

RED FLAG

Get some hair  👄

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

ITS 847 FIND A NEW INSULT

niceguy

shuuuuut uppppp

Johneighhh

👏👏👏

Sashabruh

Yall fight like old couples :( 

_____

11:45 am

** Operation get back TROST **

Ian

Thank you Rico

Rico

Whatever

It’s about time these shits learn just how terrifying we can be 

Mikasa

Thank you Ian

Ian

Don’t need to thank me

Now go and get ur loverboy

Mikasa

Uhhhh

He’s not..

___

11:59 am

Mikasa

Wait 

For some reason his wounds aren’t regenerating 

Ian 

That shit regenerates?

Mikasa

Do you think he’ll be able to turn back into a human

Rico 

Well we certainly aren’t gonna get these answers by asking

Mikasa

Gdi

Armin usually has the answers for everything

Armin

YES HELLO???

Mikasa

Oh wow ur here

So Eren isn’t waking up.

Armin

what??

Mikasa

It seems that he’s unconscious inside it or something 

He even attacked me

Armin

WHAT?

Rico 

Ur plan was a fail basically 

___

12:10 pm

Mitabi 

Oh god they just keep coming

Rico

It’s as if they’re attracted here

Mikasa

Guys it’s most probably eren that’s luring the other titans here

Armin

Mikasa 

WhAT HAPPENED

Mikasa

I kNOW EREN IS IN THERE OKAY

But he just can’t seem to control his titan

Armin

I know what to do.

Mikasa

Of course you do

Armin

I’m gonna talk to him

Mikasa

What

WAIT ARMIN

Ur gonna get flattened armin don’t STAY THERE

Armin

IF HIS DUMB ASS CAN SOMEHOW HEAR ME THEN MAYBE I CAN GET HIM TO WAKE UP

Mikasa

GIRL ARE YOU CRAZY

Armin

WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME THAT

Ian

IDK CUZ U LOOK LIKE A TWINK

Armin

OHMYGOD 

MIKASA TRUST ME

Mikasa

I DO 

Rico

Yall can turn off ur caps lock, and ian no texting while manoeuvring 

____

12:13 pm

** No bro pass no entry **

Johneighhh

This will be the licheRal fuckin death of me

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Who knew that they’d make us the titan bait

Kungfu master

Shut up both of you no texting while manoeuvring

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Girl ur texting

Johneighhh

UR ALSO TEXTING

FUCGD

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

JOHN

*sorry I meant jean

DUDE ARE YOU OKAY

Johneighhh

YEAH MY ODM GEAR BROKE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD FILLED WITH FUCKING GIGANTIC FLESH EATING BLOOD LUSTING WEIRD ANATOMICAL THINGS IM GREAT HOWS THE WEATHER UP THERE

Kungfu master

Wow that’s a lot of typing for running

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I guess this is goodbye </3

Johneighhh

Okay yall I’ve managed to hide in one of the houses

Hiiii welcome to my house tour

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Omg hiiii

Johneighhh

Oh shit there’s a corpse with ODM gear right outside my window

Should I 

Kungfu master

You should.

____

** Eren **

12:18 pm

Armin

EREN

EREN

EREN EREN EREN

CMON YOU HATE IT WHEN I SPAM UR NAME

EREN BITCHASS IK U CAN HEAR ME 

BOY IDC IF U HAVE ROOM THERE TO TYPE OR NOT

YOU GOTTA WAKE UP

CMON DIDNT YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO GO OUTSIDE

BE FREEEEEEE

dude this is just speculation but I’m pretty sure ur a closeted gay

OH NOW U HEAR ME? THATS RIGHT. GET UP. 

we got business to do


	10. Plugging the wall, fallen comrades, and the scouts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is a hero, but a lot of people die, oh and he’s in custody now

12:56 pm

Rico

My whole fucking squad was wiped out

Fuck

Well except for one 

Ian

We need to retreat

There are more titans coming 

We’ll just get eaten at this rate

____

** No bro pass no entry  **

1:00 pm

Johneighhh

I’m stealing ODM gear from a corpse

Just how far have I fallen

Kungfu master

Well I mean you fell pretty far cause we can’t see you anymore

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Hang in there dude we’re coming 

Johneighhh

UH I HAVE ENCOUNTERED A

niceguy

JEAN IM COMING

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Oh hes already ahead of us

I guess true love really does work wonders

niceguy

I’ll distract it! GO GET THE GEAR

Johneighhh

Thank you marco.

Wait this gear is shitty

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

R u fr rn

Kungfu master 

We’re here 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I’ll take this guy 

AND READJUST WHILE IM AT IT WILL YA

johneighhh

Roger that

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Wow you saved my ass yet again

Kungfu master

Uh huh.

niceguy

Cmon guys let’s get out of here!

Johneighh 

Wait what the fuck

Why’s there an earthquake..

Kungfu master

I think you should be looking up

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

OMG IS THAT EREN

Johneighhh

CARRYING A BIG ASS BOULDER?

Kungfu master

Yes

KICKASSA 

Yeah your not the only shocked one

Pico

Guess what hoes 

EREN WOKE.

niceguy

So the mission isn’t a fail after all!

Pico

Nah

Thanks to me  👀

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I don’t understand anything that’s going on

Pico

BITCH WE GONNA WINN  👏👏

____

** Operation get back TROST **

1:10 pm

Ian

EVERYONE PROTECT EREN

EVEN IF YOU DIE

____

** No bro pass no entry **

1:10 pm

Johneighhh

We really doin this rn?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

If I die pls slap ymir for me

Kungfu master

Don’t put my efforts of saving you in vain Connie

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yes ma’am 

Johneighh

Yk every single fucking time I question why I’m on a suicidal mission for eren jeager

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Don’t we all?

____

** Operation get back TROST **

1:15 pm

Ian

You 

Erens friends 

Go directly to him

Well take out the surrounding titans

MITABI WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

Rico

Committing suicide obviously 

Pico

THE GROUND IS A NO GO ZONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Mitabi

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN TRULY DISTRACT THEM

UR BOY BETTER FUCKIN PLUG UP THE WALL

ISTG

____

1:30 am

Armin

Why is everyone dying around us mikasa

Mikasa

Armin?

Armin

I’m gonna cry oh god

I can’t take this I’m sorry 

Mikasa

We’re almost there armin 

Rico

Fuck 

Ian 

No.

Mikasa

ARMIN 

HE DID IT

Armin

I feel like I can now pass away happily 

Rico

Shit

All these soldiers

They’re deaths weren’t for naught 

Thank you

Mikasa

Eren did it

He really..

Rico

I sent the signal

They should be coming here to get us.

We should get to the wall ASAP

Mikasa

But eren

We have to get him

Armin

Oh wow he’s stuck

Rico

Then I guess we’ll just have to CUT him out 

There now lets fucking s c r a m

Armin

WAIT THERE ARE TITANS APPROACHING

Rico

Are you kidding me right now

Armin

Oh never mind they died

Wait who the fuck-

Eren

Look at his cape

It’s the wings of freedom symbol

Haha..

That must be captain levi 

____

6:13 pm

** No bro pass no entry **

RED FLAG

If y’all don’t mind me asking 

What t h e f u c k happened 

KICKASSA

Eren sealed the wall

Pico

Well after that happened 

The garrison and scout regiment took out any of the remaining titans within the wall

And we even managed to capture 2 titans

YEESUSCHRISTA

so we won?

We actually won?!

Johneighhh

But don’t get the wrong idea

no ones celebrating anything 

Far too many people have died in exchange for this

niceguy 

So now, no more people have to die at least.

Now that eren plugged up the wall

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

So uh we lost?

RED FLAG

we won you dipshit

Pico

I guess this is what you call a bittersweet victory 

Johneighhh

How fucking poetic

I’m sorry y’all but if u aren’t bothered by just how many people have died then 

🙌😤

Kungfu master

Who says we aren’t?

MEXICANO

You? Of all people?

Kungfu master

Those soldiers may have died but not in vain

You should remember that jean 

Johneighhh

...

I’m gonna jack off for awhile 

*back off 

MEXICANO

Wow jean just couldn’t wait could you?

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

MARCOOOO UR BOY NEEDS A HAND

Sashabruh

Why did I get that.

Johneighhh

GOD I SAID IT WAS A TYPO

niceguy

Sorry did you need something jean?

RED FLAG

Oh yes he needs it ASAP

niceguy

Huh?

Johneighh 

GOD-

DONT LISTEN TO THEM MARCO

____

** Erwin, Levi **

9:20 am

Eren

Ah god my head hurts like a fucking bitch

Where am I?!?!

Erwin

You’re in a cell.

And currently in custody of the military police.

Eren

Uh why are you holding that key

It’s mine

Levi

Tsh

Erwin

Oh you’ll get it back later.

But first, does your basement really hold information about the secret of the titans. 

Eren

Well I mean that’s what dad said?????

Levi

Tsh really now? How convenient for you to have forgotten while your dad is missing

Erwin

I believe he doesn’t have a reason to lie.

And what do you plan on doing later on?

Eren

Hm let’s see

I wanna join the server corps

And kill

Every

Single

Last

Titan

Levi

Huh,

Not bad

Erwin 

Erwin 

?

Levi 

I’ll take care of him

Eren

!!!?

Levi

Not because I do you amateur

It’s cause I can kill you if you ever try anything funny 

Eren

😔

Erwin

Alright.

I’ll accept your application to the survey corps.

_____

** Main hoes **

9:30 am

Eren

Guys.

Ladies and twinks

Armin

If someone calls me that one more time-

Mikasa

Yes?

Eren

I got accepted

INTO THE FUCKIN SURVEY CORPS

😭😫🤩🤩😭🤩

Mikasa

So soon?

Armin

Yay good for you

Eren

Omg they even interviewed me and all that shit

Mikasa

What? Who interviewed you

Eren

Commander Erwin and Captain Levi ofc 

Armin

REALLY? What were they like???

Eren

Commander Erwin is probably the most decent human being to have ever walked this earth.

Dude he uses proper grammar and punctuation

LIKE PERIODS AT THE END OF HIS SENTENCES

Mikasa

He just sounds like a boomer to me

Armin

Oh my gOD WHAT REALLY?

HOW OLD IS HE

Eren

IDK LIKE 30????

HE LOOKED LIKE A BIG GUY BROAD SHOULDERS AND ALL THAT DADDY SHIT

Armin

HDJSGDJWGNS

I’m gonna rocket off

Eren

You’ll meet him later on ;)

Mikasa

And what about Levi 

Eren

Actually,,,,,,

He’s a small guy yk

And his whole being practically screams,

I can beat u to the absolute death with a poker face.

Armin

damnn

Eren

BUT

yk what now that I think of him more

He looks kinda young...

Mikasa

He can’t be trusted.

Eren

Huh what why 

Mikasa

He just can’t ok.

Armin

👀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twitter: Malkandcookies1
> 
> Feel free to put prompt requests and ships on my other book!


	11. Rumours, trials, and weird people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumours are spreading in wall sina, Eren goes on trial, and the trial concludes ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO I COULDNT IMAGINE THEM TEXTING IN THE COURTROOM SCENE HHH. So I was gonna leave it out. But IK HOW MUCH YALL LOVE, that scene, and IT WOULD BE MEAN IF I DIDNT include IT HAHAH so I decided to still put it but this would be in real life!

** No bro pass no entry **

8:34 am

RED FLAG

so what’s the tea for today

Pico

Well rumours are spreading among people 

That a titan has sided with us :000

Kungfu master

And some people think it’s bull

Johneighhh

Yeah well some are practically worshipping jeager

RED FLAG

But I mean who knew.

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Tbh with how angry that kid is all the time I don’t think I’m too surprised 

Johneighhh

It’s not like he excelled in anything anyway?

KICKASSA

he made fucking history.

Kungfu master

He may not have excelled in anything but

He has the most willpower out of all of us

RED FLAG

Spooky

MEXICANO

You’ve been awfully observant Annie 

Kungfu master

That’s cause my mouth isn’t always open unlike someone

Reiner 

RED FLAG

What that mouth do annie 

MEXICANO

Bertholdt 

Reiner pt 2

Yes?

MEXICANO

omg I wasn’t calling you

Sashabruh

I’ve been getting innuendos lately.

Kungfu master

Reiner what the fuck.

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Omg Annie fr tho?

Reiner pt 2

Uh I don’t get what’s happening

RED FLAG

dude did u actually

Kungfu master 

Don’t you dare finish that sentence

Bertholdt you don’t need to understand.

niceguy

Aw are you getting protective?

Kungfu master 

I cannot with you people 

Bye.

Reiner pt 2

WAIT ANNIE

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

And there they go

RED FLAG

ah yes young love  ☕️

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

You couldn’t possibly understand grandma

RED FLAG

At least I’m not dying single  👐

____

** Annie **

8:37 am

Bertholdt 

Annie 

I’m sorry

Annie

Why are you saying sorry?!

You didn’t even do anything

Bertholdt 

They teased you because of me

And

I don’t even get what they said

Annie

You don’t need to know what they said

Bertholdt 

What did they say

Annie

Are you testing me?

Bertholdt 

NO NO NO IM NOT

Annie

Mhm forget about it

Forget about them

Wanna go get some juice?

Bertholdt

YES

uh yeah sure

____

10:00 am

  
**Erwin**

Erwin

Are you sure it’s okay for a person of the scouts to be seen chatting with the commander of the garrison?

Pyxis 

Don’t be stupid 

I just ran into you 

Erwin

If you say so sir.

Pyxis

You are aware right

That the military police are after Eren?

Erwin

I was given a message about the trail that will decide his fate.

Pyxis

It’s all up to good ol zacky 

Erwin

Uh pardon?

Pyxis

Dhalis Zachary.

Erwin

Ah yes.

Pyxis

You sure you can win this thing

Erwin

No actually.

I don’t think we have what it takes to win 

But,

Pyxis 

Ah yes how dramatic

Erwin 

I’m ready to make a proposal 

Which will depend on the inquiry.

His friends will also be there to testify.

Pyxis

Well,

However that goes

I hope he ends up with you people

Erwin

Let’s hope.

____

** Main hoes **

12:58 pm

Mikasa

EREN.

Eren

Omg what

Mikasa

HOW COME YOU DIDNT TELL US YOU WERE IN CUSTODY OF THE MILITARY POLICE?!

Eren

Uh

Surprise!..?

Armin

And the fact that you’re on a trial for your LIFE.

Eren

I’m sorry okay I couldn’t disclose it yk

Also I’m fucking raging this place is worse than a fucking one star motel

THIS DESERVES NOOO STARS

Armin

You’re in a cell.

Eren

YEAH BUT LIKE I ASK

can I go peepee 

they’re like

NoOoOo

Mikasa

...

Eren

Then I ask for water

WATER

and they’re still like

noOOO

one of the even told me to

“Know my place, monster”

BITCH IM GONNA HAVE A FUCKIN TALK W THE MANAGER

Armin

Lmao

We comin soon dw

Eren

gIRL IM CHAINED UP.

this is domestic abuseeee aaaaa

Oh shit they here gtg

Armin

SEE YA

DONT DIE OKAY

like srsly don’t die

____

(Real life)

1:30 pm

Dhalis Zachary

This is the trial of the 104th Trainees squad cadet, Eren jeager

Eren I will be the one deciding your fate

Considering that hiding you from the world is no longer an option 

We must release a statement to avoid conflict 

Military Regiment, please state your case.

Nile Dawk

Our case is

We should kill him

Like immediately 

The kids a fucking titan are we gonna take any chances?

Pastor nick

As a follower of the walls

Any threat to it is deemed worthy of execution 

Yeah kill it

Eren Jeager

IM NOT AN IT

Dhalis Zachary 

Scout regiment 

Please state your case 

Erwin Smith

Our (way better) proposal, 

Is that we want Eren to join the scouts to use his Titan ability to reclaim wall Maria.

Since Trost was completely sealed, we plan to use the eastern route to Shiganshina.

irrelevant merchant dude

We should seal all the walls first! The colossal titan won’t be able to break through fortified places!

Levi Ackerman

Oh yeah?

So your saying the titans will be patiently waiting outside for us to seal all of the gates?

Wow that makes so much sense!

I swear you guys only give a fuck when it comes to money

Pastor Nick

How dare you?!

You want to touch the gift of god?!

Armin (to mikasa and Rico)

I swear it’s because of people like him that it took so long for there to be weapons above the wall smh

Rico Brzenska

Well they do have a lot of power..

Dhalis Zachary

Let’s see

On the report of Trost defense

After he turned into a titan, he attacked fellow soldier

Mikasa Ackerman?

Eren Jeager

i WHAT

Mikasa Ackerman

Why the fuck did you snitch?!

Rico Brzenska

What the fuck was I supposed to do?!

LiE?!

Mikasa Ackerman

yEs?

Dhalis Zachary

Ms Ackerman, is this true?

Mikasa Ackerman

...

Yes

However he did save me twice while he was in his titan form

Nike Dawk

no ONE ASKED.

Plus your honor

It shows in their reports that when they were kids,

They fucking stabbed 3 robbers to death

did you hear that? YEAH I KNOW THEY WERE KIDS.

Dhalis Zachary

Order in my fucking court.

Nile Dawk

can we reALLY entrust the future of humanity unto people like these?!

irrelevant dude

What if the girl also ain’t human?!

Eren Jeager

DO NOT BRING MIKASA INTO THIS

You guys are just accusing her cause you have nothing left to say!

MANY OF YOU PEOPLE HAVENT EVEN HAD AN ENCOUNTER WITH THOSE THINGS

SO IF YALL WANNA PLAY THE PUSSIES THEN AT LEAST LET ME LIVE

Nile Dawk

See 

The kid is unstable

We gotta shoot him right fuckin now

Oh uh wow

Mikasa Ackerman

OHMY- WHAT IS HE DOING TO EREN-

Armin Arlert (to mikasa )

Mikasa you can’t interfere!

JESUS CALM UR TITS

Mikasa Ackerman(to armin)

HOW?!

HES BEATING UP EREN

ONLY I CAN BEAT UP ER-

Levi Ackerman

I believe pain is the best way to discipline someone 

Nile Dawk

Holy fucking shit on my dick

Stop it you madman

What if he transforms right now

Levi Ackerman

As if.

I’m the only one here capable of killing him

Not you kids

Nile Dawk

You fucking mushroom.

Erwin Smith

Your honor.

I propose to take him on our upcoming mission

Then we will decide wether he is a friend or foe to humanity.

Dhalis Zachary 

Very well

You may do with him then

This trial is concluded.

____

3:02 pm

Horny4titans added Eren Jeager to WEBADBOYS

Horny4titans 

Ereeeeen

I apologize on Levi’s behalf lMAO

Does it hurt?

Eren

Uh which one 

Erbrows

Eren I apologize for that earlier

You do understand that it was necessary?

Eren

Yes of course

Erbrows

I look forward to working with you then.

Eren

😦

MAMITA

Hey 

Eren

Eren

Oh-

Uh yes?

MAMITA

Do you hate me?

Eren

No! Hell no

I understand that what you did was necessary..

MAMITA

that’s good then.

Also hange fucking change this username this is unacceptable.

_ Horny4titans changed MAMITA’s username to LEVI ✨✨ _

LEVI ✨✨

Why.

Horny4titans 

OMG A CELEBRITY

Seriously Levi though, that was tooo far

You KNOCKED HIS TOOTH out 

Bully.

LEVI ✨✨

Think whatever you wanna think you wacko

Horny4titans 

OFMEGFKEHFMW

whoaoaaa

It already grew back!!!

Tooth fairy has left the chat

AHAHSHAHSG

LEVI ✨✨

Haha that’s so funny 

Eren

Uh if I may ask

Why is this groupchat called WEBADBOYS

LEVI ✨✨

Instead of the Scout Regiment

haha GOOD QUESTION.

This is what happens when you make hange a fucking SECTION LEADER.

Horny4titans 

BUT ITS TRUE

PLUS THE OTHER REGIMENTS R BORING ASFFF

We’re the lit squad 

LEVI ✨✨

Don’t ever say that again

Eren

Uh Ms Hange is your username actually

Horny4titans 

HAHAHA UH 

LEVI ✨✨

Yes. Don’t ask

Horny4titans 

Anyway Erwin has his username cause have you seen those eYEBROWS

Eren

Uh-

Horny4titans 

ITS A WHOLE NEW WORLD

Erbrows

Okay, hanji. 


	12. The indestructible squad, misunderstandings and hange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is finally in the scouts, Hange and Eren hang out, and sawney and bean get killed :((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT BELOW

** Levi added Eren Jeager to The  **

** indestructible squad **

7:29 am

Eren

Is this the actual-

Camel

Yes it is 

Suck it in kid it’s us

Eren

Uh who are you

Camel

Oh right 

The names Oruo 

RespectELDers

Wasn’t it obvious from his username?

Camel

Piss off old man

Nicegirl

says the guy who looks like an actual pedo

Camel

IM NINETEEN???

Eren

Where are we going?

Camel

You see we’re going to an old abandoned castle that was supposed to be used for HQ

but it was pretty much useless 

bUT NOW we’re using it to hide YOU.

Eren

So I’m gonna be staying here? permanently 

Camel

You ask way too many damn questions kid

Ah fuck my TONGUE you’ve gotta be shatting me

Nicegirl

eren do you see it now?

___

7:50 am

nicegirl

Seriously Oruo, this is why ur gonna end up biting off ur tongue one day

Camel

First impressions matter Petra.

Ur first impression was shit tbh

Nicegirl

Not as shit as yours

Camel

Im pretty sure he was scared 

Nicegirl

Nahh he was probably just shocked that a member of the Levi squad is an actual camel.

Camel

Now Petra,

Women shouldn’t speak like that 

We can’t get married

Nicegirl 

Great maybe I should speak like that more often

Thanks for letting me know 

Goonter 

Ah fuck this place is dirty.

RespectELDers

NOO 

We are never going to hear the end of this from the captain.

Oruo

Ah yes

Fucked indeed

Eren

?

Levi

Oh no

No no no no no

This place is absolutely filthy

Absolutely unbearable I will not accept this 

This place is practically INHABITABLE.

Chop chop everybody GET TO WORK

Eren 

Ah fuck.

___

8:20 am

** Levi **

Eren

Uh sir

Levi

?

Eren 

I’ve finished cleaning the upper floor

Like after 2 hours 

may I please get a drink of water

Levi

Do not move from where you are

I’m gonna go check

Eren

Bu-

Levi

-bitch.

Eren 

😔

Wait but where am I sleeping?

Levi

Where else did you think?

The basement.

Eren

But why.

Levi

Well we can’t have you accidentally transforming and destroying the place now can we?

Eren

But sir

Levi

I swear you are so annoying

Eren

Can’t I stay with you

Levi

Come

Again?

Eren

WELL it’s not anything weird! I mean you did say that you were gonna strictly watch over me

Levi

I’m not gonna watch over you sleeping in my bed.

Eren

NOSHSHHSGS I mean on the floor!

Levi

Yk ur really pushing this

Eren

Imsorryimsorry

Levi

Look it was the decision of the higher ups , not mine

Eren

Ah.

Levi

Right

I’ll check upstairs now

Don’t fucking move 

Eren

YESIR

___

8:21 am

** The indestructible squad  **

Petra

Why do you have this shocked look on ur face

Eren

Uh what no??

It’s just, I never took Levi as the type to follow the superiors ig...

Petra

Hah

Well he wasn’t always like that you knoww

Eren

What do you mean

Petra

Well before he joined the survey corps 

He used to be gangsta  😳

I mean he still IS now but like he got respect

Especially for commander erwin

Eren

Oh?

Petra

Well it was the commander that was able to get him to join anyway

Levi

I’m gonna act like you two weren’t just talking about me

Oh and eren 

Eren

YES

Levi

The fuck were you aiming for? A haunted house aesthetic?

Do it all over again it’s fi l t h y.

Eren

.

Yes sir!

____

7:00 pm

Camel

No fuckin way

The new graduates are also participating?

Goonter 

Apparently

Camel

Those noobs ain’t ready for the shit that’s gonna hit

Nicegirl

I mean since so many of our men have died,,

Eren

Hahahahah no.

Camel

Did you say something?

Eren

No.

Yall may have high kill streaks or some shit

But don’t call us pussies 

Camel

Watch it brat you’re talking to a superior soldier

Eren

You just try on my life bro.

nicegirl 

Stopp copying the captaiiiiiin 

it’s hardcore cringe tbh

Eren

Facts

Camel

I’ll beat you up

Eren

Am v scared

RespectELDers

A NYW A YS it’s a shame that we lost the route to take back wall Maria

but at least we still have hope you know

nicegirl 

👀

goonter 

👀

Camel

😒

Eren

Uh hi 

RespectELDers

So how DO ur titan powers work

Levi

You know you aren’t gonna get anything else aside from the reports 

Eren

I become super fucking mad then I bite my hand and then bOOM BITCH.

but like I’m still hot as a titan u can ask anyone

Camel

A hot titan? In ur wildest dreams jaguar.

nicegirl 

I mean there was something about it in the garrison reports-

Camel

FUCk the garrison reports.

Levi

Of course you’re hot

Eren

OH?

nicegirl 

omg is this real

Goonter

Quick say no homo

Levi

Handsome?

Ha you thought

thots

I meant your body temperature 

Eren

Fair..

HUNGRY4TITANS

SHAWTYS LIKE A MELODY IN MY HEAD~~~~

Levi

How the fuck did you get in the gc?! 

HUNGRY4TITANS

ITS NICE TO SEE YOU TOO LEVII

Oh I got it cause I’m a professional hacker

professional pretty much everything >:)

Levi

Yeah ok leave

HUNGRY4TITANS 

AH AH AHHH NOT QUITE YET

ah yes

Eren.

Eren

Ms hange?

HUNGRY4TITANS 

You’ll participate in my experiments tomorrow 

R i g h t ?

Eren

Uh as long as you don’t take me apart..

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OHOHOHO NOTHING OF THE SORT OF COURSE NOT

Eren

Um uh um

I don’t think I can give my permission 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

WHAT BUT WHY NOT?

Eren

Well It’s the captains choice really

HUNGRY4TITANS 

Levi.

What is he doing tomorrow

Levi

Cleaning the courtyard

HUNGRY4TITANS 

WELL I SEE NO PROBLEM IN KIDNAPPING YOU TOMORROW

*BORROWING

so you’ll come tomorrow?

Tell me you will

Eren

Okay I will 

My god

HUNGRY4TITANS 

DGSHDJSHDHWHDUAKDHHDIEGDJWHDHW

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Levi

You can leave now

Eren

But what are your experiments about

Levi 

Eren you’re making a big mistake-

HUNGRY4TITANS 

Oh 

My

GOOOOOOD did you just ask me .

Eren

Well I want to know more about Titans

Levi

I’m heading to bed

Nicegirl

I think I’m gonna go call it a night

RespectELDers

Gn guys

Camel

sLEEP tight eren

abhahahgha

Eren

Uh thanks?

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OHMTNFGOSDHHH U ACTUALLY WANT TO LEARN ABOUT MY EXPERIMENTS?

WELLL

OF COURSE ILL TELL YOU EEEEVERYTHIG

HEHEHEHEHGD

cmere sit down beside me

Eren

..yes ma’am

____

** Main hoes **

2:09 am

Eren

Guys

GuYS

GUYSSSSS

MY MILK SHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD

AND THEYRE LIKE

Armin

ITS BETTA THEN YOS

What do you want it’s 2 am

Mikasa

Where are you?

Eren

We’re in an old abandoned castle

And I’m like officially part of the scouts 

not like I’m bragging or anything

😎✌️

Armin

I was trying to get my beauty rest

This better be good 

Eren

I’m sorry I’m so bored 

Yk hange?

Armin

Nah

Eren

Well she’s like this nut job 

She looks like she uses cooking oil for shampoo

And I’m pretty sure she gets horny over titans 

Armin

Excuse me what

Eren 

Yeah yeah you heard me

Thing is she’s absolutely brilliant 

And since 9 pm shes been talking nonstop about her experiments 

So like I’m secretly on my phone 

Mikasa

Can’t you excuse yourself?

Eren

She doesn’t stop in between sentences.

Armin

Well it’s boring as fuck here

I can hear jean and marco giggling like Japanese schoolgirls 

Eren

Oh wow. I think we all saw that one coming.

Mikasa

And I’m pretty sure that long figure in kristas bed isn’t just Krista.

Eren

typical ymir 

also did I tell you about captain levi 

Armin 

What about him

Eren

He’s full of surprises 

Armin

lmAO WHAT

Eren

I’m pretty sure he’s a germaphobe

He’s very uh socially liberated 

And his undercut is so attractive

Armin

r U SIMPING FOR THE CAPTAIN

Eren

TF NO 

I WAS JUST COMPLIMENTING HIS HAIR?

Armin

☠️☠️

Mikasa

He’s short.

Eren

Yeah it’s kinda cute

Armin

DO U HAVE ANY IDEA HOW U SOUND RN

Eren

Chilleroni 

It’s no homo.

Mikasa

Good.

Eren

Oh my god yk she gives her titans names 

Like chikatoli and Albert

Armin

I don’t know what to say to that

Eren

She’s practically in a polyamorous relationship with them

Mikasa

What are you saying?

Eren

She’s I n l o v e

Armin

Your kidding 

Eren

If you meet her you’ll know what I mean

Oh gtg she might catch me

Armin

Catch u later 

Mikasa

Good night

____

** WEBADBOYS **

7:30 am

Horny4titans 

ITS OVEEEEEEEEERR

IM SOBBING SO HARD RN CAN SOMEONE PLAY THAT ONE CELINE DION SONG HHSHSHSGGSGHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

7363&;)&:?71&:)/-&

Levi ✨✨

shut up you’re so loud

Horny4titans 

YOU DONT UNDERTSAND

NONE OF YOU UDNERSTAND

Levi ✨✨

How do you spell smth wrong twice 

Gunther

How’d the culprits escape?

Eld

Through ODM gear apparently 

Gunther

So you’d think that it’s someone among us

Eld

Probably

Oruo

Check section commander hange out

Her eyes are gonna pop out of their sockets any moment now

Petra

No one asked 

Horny4titans 

SONNNNYYYY

BEAAAAAAN

WE COULDVE BEEN SUMN YK

HOMIE DIED BEFORE WE GOT TO HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER

OR A NICE WALK IN THE PARK

AAHUHAHUAUHSSHHAJSHXJQQ SA JSXHHAND

HEART BEEN BROKE SO MANY TIMES

Moblit

Section commander please calm down everyone is staring at you

Horny4titans 

MY POOR BABY DARLINGS WERE SLAUGHTERED 

S L A U G H TE R E D GDJSGFENGD

Levi

Can someone gas this woman

Moblit

god I wish this wasn’t so fucking embarrassing 

____

** Eren **

7:45

Erwin

Eren

Who do you think the enemy is.

Eren

what

Erwin

Never mind have a nice day.

Eren

What.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please go check out my twitter  
> [MalkandCookies1](https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1)  
> I made an ereri edit and a ymir one too  
> Also feel free to request me for edits it’s so fun making them!


	13. graduation, drugs, and tragic farewells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they finally fuckin graduate, secrets are revealed and some parted ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY YALL SO I MADE A DRAFT OF THIS CHAPTER BUT THEN IT GOT DELETED ON HERE AND I WAS SO MAD bcsvukfugweuygcwgwe like im sorry I know I posted late but I had to cool my head. like everything just gone with the wind, everything. I had to rewrite this bitch again 
> 
> also there will be a part 2 since this chapter was too long

No bro pass no entry

9:12 am

RED FLAG  
Why does shit like this keep happening smh

MEXICANO  
Tbh I just love how controversial this is getting

Johneighhh  
COnTroVERsial?  
How can someone get punished for killing a TItAn?  
thats horsecrap

Moveslikejeager  
Ur horsecrap

RED FLAG  
Oh wow if it isn’t the main character

Sashabruh  
Woah ur not dead?!

Moveslikejeager  
what made you think I was dead.

Sashabruh  
You disappeared

Moveslikejeager  
Yeah coz im with the survey corps now :>

Johneighhh  
Shame why’d u have to come back

Moveslikejeager  
You m I s s e d me

Johneighhh  
Nah dude im not gay like  
You

Pico  
Oof.  
Anyway I think what they did was pretty dumb

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
how

Pico  
Now that sonny and bean were killed  
We can’t learn further abt the titans  
these mfs really ended up lookin like clowns

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Who are sonny and bean?  
Wait they have names?! And you knew?!!

Pico  
Oh uh um

KICKASSA  
Eren was texting us about it at 2 am last night

Johneighhh  
Dude wtf were u doing at 2 am

Moveslikejeager  
It ended up being the 10 hours of my life I could never take back  
:(

Pico  
Yeah thats why he started ranting about the captain

RED FLAG  
Ohh??

Pico  
“hhHHhHH armiiIIin my legs are quivering adhjdhks”

MEXICANO  
Whoa e r e n

Sashabruh  
I never took u for the type!

RED FLAG  
Stfu Sasha I loose a precious brain cell every time u send a message

Johneighhh  
Come out of the closet YEAger

RED FLAG  
Tbh I never took u for a bottom Jeager

Moveslikejeager  
OMG I DID NOT SAY THAT  
ARMIN STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION  
Fuckin himbo

Pico  
oNLY IF YOU STOP CALLING ME A TWINK

KICKASSA  
But you are one.

Pico  
O.O  
……..

RED FLAG  
Its ok Jeager don’t cry  
We all saw it coming

Moveslikejeager  
Imnotgay  
Period

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Id understand the motives of the culprit though,,,  
Like id never wanna see a titan again

RED FLAG  
Then why’d u join the scouts u dingbat

Moveslikejeager  
Cause of my grand life changing speech

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Oh suck a toe Jeager

Pico  
*captains

Moveslikejeager  
U R ABSOLUTELY USELESS ARMIN  
I JUST THOUGHT U SHOULD KNOOOW THAT

Pico  
Ouch.

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Annie what do u think

Kungfu master  
Does it matter what I think

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Jeezus I was just asking

Kungfu master  
Idk with you complicated people  
Id just join the military police to stay alive

MEXICANO  
Yk sometimes I wonder if Annie is from another planet

Kungfu master  
Care to explain Reiner

MEXICANO  
just from how much you look down at the human race

Kungfu master  
idk honestly  
youre all idiots

RED FLAG  
We luv u too Annie <33

MEXICANO  
Too bad she only loves bertholdt

Kungfu master  
What??

Reiner pt 2  
reINER NO

Sashabruh  
Oh my gosh its FINALLY happening

Kungfu master  
Im very confused

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Wow  
Girl ur eyes aren’t just for decor yk

Reiner pt 2  
REINER YOU BETTER STOP I WILL TELL THEM ABT THAT ONE TIME YOU GOT HIGH OFF OF THE

MEXICANO  
*IS STOPPING*

Sashabruh  
Annie,  
Honey  
Are you that dumb?

Kungfu master  
Okay what the hell

Sashabruh  
Its so obvious that Mr Colossal here likes you

MEXICANO  
WAIT WHAT DID U JUST CALL HIM

Sashabruh  
Hes really big? I mean iDK if he’s like well hUNG ykyk

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
Sasha what the fuck. did u eat for lunch.

Sashabruh  
Oh I was able to buy sweet meat from the market ehueheuhehuehueeheuheuehuuehheuheuheu

Pico  
The personality change was starting to freak me out

Sashabruh  
Its sashabossbitch now

Kungfu master  
Bertholdt is this true?

RED FLAG  
WAIT WAIT WAIT CAN WE REWIND THAT ABIT  
whAT WAS REINER HIGH ON?

MEXICANO  
Honestly annie ur the only blonde chick ik thats not a complete bimbo  
Aside from Krista

YEESUSCHRISTA  
:DD

MEXICANO  
YES HE OBV DOES

Reiner pt 2  
Reiner was inhaling the gas canisters

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch  
DOOD WHATHAFACK

RED FLAG  
THIS WILL BE THE NEW HOT TOPIC FOR ALL MY SOCIAL GCS

MEXICANO  
STFU YMIR DONT GO INVOLVING ME WITH UR DUMB TUMBLR ACTIVIST SHIT FOR FEMINISM AND LGBTQ RIGHTS

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Reiner thats dangerous!

Johneighhh  
What does it taste like

MEXICANO  
It makes you really high  
U should try it sometime  
Thats the shit.

Niceguy  
Don’t do it jean!

Kungfu master  
Bertholdt

Reiner pt 2  
Annie?

Kungfu master  
Check your pms

Reiner pt 2  
Alright.

Niceguy  
Ngl that was the most wholesome conversation ive witnessed in this gc

YEESUSCHRISTA  
Aw my heart

___

6:30 pm

johneighhh

I feel like im gonna shit my stomach out

sashabruh

same! although I think im gonna excrete an oatmeal breakfast cause I ate street food

and probably got salmonella poisoning from it

RED FLAG

discostaaaaang

johneighhh

I haven't chosen a regiment .

pico

jean the ceremony is in tHIRTY MINUTES

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

bro u had three years to decide

johneighhh

yEA IK BUT NOW IDK

niceguy

weren't you joining the military police?

johneighhh

i...

niceguy

you're a good guy, you should choose whatever you think is right

johneighhh

are you really sure about joining the military police

niceguy

im sorry jean but yes, its been my dream

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

once again

can we get another f in the chat for jean

YEESUSCHRISTA

f

pico

f

RED FLAG

reading that physically hurt 

reiner play that one song

MEXICANO

the regenade??

RED FLAG

FUCK NO

the sad one

MEXICANO

OHH THE TITANIC ONE

RED FLAG

YES

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

mY HEART WILL GO ON AEAEAEND ON

johneighhh

STOP STOP STOP

YEESUSCHRISTA

guys I think we should leave it to them!

RED FLAG

and how do we know they aren't gonna do a quickie in the bathroom

niceguy

Ymir what the hell!

MEXICANO

psh they can't pull it off that quick

johneighhh

OKAY I CAN PULL IT OFF 

MEXICANO

BET

johneighhh

Marco cmon

niceguy

waiwaitwait you cant actually be considering this?! 

johneighhh

trust me marco 

no strings attached

niceguy

JEAN the ceremony is in fifteen minutes! plus we re friends!!!!

johneighhh

are you coming or not

niceguy

...

pico

omg this is actually happening 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I didn't think he'd actually pull through 

sashabruh

they look cute together 

its a shame there are no strings attached

pico

oh I doubt that. I really do.

MEXICANO

teamwork

RED FLAG

makes dreamwork <33

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

still who knew jean bent both ways

RED FLAG

oh I don't think he'd be the one bending.

MEXICANO

dude jean is obv the bottom

RED FLAG

I CANT EVEN IMAGINE MARCO TOPPING A GIRL

MEXICANO

JUST CAUSE HES NICE DOESNT MEAN HE AIN'T FREAKY

RED FLAG

yk what lets ask the almighty wise ancient kungfu master annie

KICKASSA

she's not online

MEXICANO

bertholdt isnt online either..

KICKASSA

they left awhile ago

MEXICANO

nooooo

sashabruh

when I asked where they were going Annie said they were gonna make out

MEXICANO

WHAT

sashabruh

wait **hang out

RED FLAG

dude they're literally skies apart how could they make out

MEXICANO

so ur saying you and Krista have never made out

RED FLAG

we have surpassed all possible bases

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

TMI, TMI.

YEESUSCHRISTA

YMIR

RED FLAG

well I mean were talking five foot and six foot four here

pico

damn

well the four of them better make it to the ceremony

___

7:00 pm

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

wow the ceremony is starting 

you guys made it

johneighhh

y'all underestimated us

RED FLAG

so who topped

johneighhh

wh-

niceguy

guys stop texting my phone keeps dinging.

RED FLAG

im surprised Annie and bertholdt didn't just elope 

kungfu master

tf we were just hanging out?

MEXICANO

**banging out

kungfu master

I hope you overdose from gas canisters and die

YEESUSCHRISTA

oh wow its commander erwin

pico

hsghdhsddaddy

johneighhh

wooooaaaaa

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

im very concerned to see that word under admins username

RED FLAG

armin got daddy issues

pico

as if u don't have mommy issues

KICKASSA

wait but why would he expose erens secrets to everyone?

pico

true though, unless he has some ulterior motive

niceguy

so I guess this is goodbye guys!

johneighhh

you're really doin this?

niceguy

yes, thank you jean

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

can y'all talk in the pms 

___

7:11 am

Jean

Marco

im sorry jean

jean 

I should be the one saying sorry tsh

I was the one who had a change of mind

Marco 

but I trust your decision 

jean 

god why do u look so sad can you stop

looking like that

Marco 

im really sorry its just 

im not sad because we wont be in the same regiment 

im sad cause I know that everyday theres a possibility you might die

jean

..

stop making this harder for me godamnit 

____

7:13 pm

RED FLAG

fuck I might burst out laughing 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

iS JEAN CRYING OMFFGYFUSDH

YEESUSCHRISTA

aaaaaa im gonna start crying 

MEXICANO

Jesus blow ur nose

johneighhh

iM NOT FUCKING CRYING OKAY IM ALLERGIC TO BLUE LIGHT FROM DEVICES

niceguy

goodbye jean!

pico

aww jean

johneighhh

Im gonna fuckin kill u all u better not tell jeager

KICKASSA

we wont 

RED FLAG

Krista if ur just gonna cry then whyd u still stay

YEESUSCHRISTA

don't talk to me rn.

___

Annie

7:40 pm

annie

bertholdt remember what I told you

bertholdt 

yes I promise 

annie

I will stay alive

Annie 

..

thats good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls pls pls if you've come this far follow me on twitter and check out my edits   
> twitter:Malkandcookies1


	14. promises, power bottoms, and expeditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reiner and bertholdt have a little chat, jean is a power bottom (says ymir), and they all prepare to go on an adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys I just realized that some characters actually DO need to die in order for the story to progress so iM SORRY IM SORRY but im gonna have to kill off Squad Levi 
> 
> again IM SORRY BUT ILL STILL TRY TO FIND A WAY FOR SOME OF THEM TO LIVE

9:01 pm (A DAY BEFORE)

**Bertholdt**

Reiner

yO WHATD ANNIE TELL YOU

Bertholdt

I think im in love .

dude shit

Reiner

well shit

damn bruv you've grown up

BertholdtÂ 

ha as if, im like 4 inches taller than you

Reiner

was it good?

Bertholdt

what do you mean?

Reiner

hER

Bertholdt

wHAT?

Reiner

don't tell me she pegged you.

Bertholdt

wha

OH OH MYGOD NO

WE DID NOTHING LIKE THAT

Reiner

I thought you guys hooked up?

Bertholdt

WE HAD A WHOLESOME PARTING OKAY.

WHOLESOME.

Reiner

psh ok

Bertholdt

I confessed to her and like

she told me that if we re both still alive by the end of this

she'll tell me how she feels!

Reiner

uh dude

sigh ok I respect that you have this thing but like

you really should have just hooked up with her

I mean CMON she so obviously likes you

u totally wasted a lifetime opportunity dude im so disappointed sighhhhhh

Bertholdt

WTF?

SHE HASNT EVEN CONFIRMED ANYTHING YET

Reiner

she didn't even deny not liking you

she's prolly sad she didn't even get a decent shag before leaving

Bertholdt

ok fine

but dude thats disgusting fr.

Reiner

you guys should go at it while y'all are titans

her ass looks nicer in titan form

Bertholdt

GOOD

BYE

.

____

10:00 am

**Main hoes**

Eren

yOOOOOOO

Armin

yooooo

Mikasa

its good to see you again

Eren

have y'all heard of commander Erwins long range scouting formation plan thingy

Mikasa

its practically the only thing we've been learning since we got here

Eren

damn 

same here anyway

Armin

its a pretty good plan

but Im pretty sure there are things he hasn't revealed yet

Mikasa

wow im surprised you listened with how much you were ogling at the commander

Armin

girl its called multitasking

Eren

damn armin hes like???

twice your age

Armin

twice the fun

Eren

YUCJ

Mikasa

Eren did they torture you here? did that smurf fucking touch you again.

Eren

smurf?

Armin

SHE MEANS LEVI HSGHSBHG

Eren

TF NO they haven't done shit calm down

Mikasa

I swear to any living deity out there I will destroy him for so much as laying a finger on you.

Armin

eren would want that very much

Mikasa

im sure he would

Armin

I meant the last part

Eren

hes well

I cant say hes nice but hes intriguing

Armin

ive never heard you use that word before.

Eren

well cause hes unlike anyone..

Armin

ur so gay

Eren

no U

Armin

well ok id look stupid to deny it

Eren

Every time I finish cleaning a room he tells me to redo it again

Every single

Time

Armin

He sounds harsh

Eren

He IS

but my undying respect for him has not wavered

Armin

More like uNDYING THIRST

Eren

NOOOOO

Mikasa

Ur the thirsty one armin

Armin

How can u not thirst over the commander huyagwgwaef

Oh right its cause ur thirsting over e-

Mikasa

Be careful with how you finish that

You don’t want it to end up as your last words.

Armin

-hehehe..

Eren

Huh

Mikasa

Its nothing eren

_____

10:05 am

Moveslikejeager

wow if it isnt uncle johnny

Johneighhh

ur already making me regret joining the scouts

Moveslikejeager

why'd you even join then if ur boyfriends in the military police

Johneighhh

HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND FUCK OFF FAG

YEESUSCHRISTA

eren

its a sensitive topic

Moveslikejeager

did u just call me a fag

fag

Johneighhh

make fun of other people when u stop looking like a clown

jeager

Sashabruh

Is Marco still in the gc

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

He left along with Annie when they joined the military police

RED FLAG

So who toooooped

Johneighhh

WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION

RED FLAG

ANSWER OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

YEESUSCHRISTA

Ymir you are so insensitive

RED FLAG

Its a good thing ur sensitive ;)

Pico

PMS PLS

Johneighhh

I topped, obviously

RED FLAG

HA I WIN

GIVE ME 10 BUCKS

MEXICANO

Yeah yeah whatever fine here

Johneighhh

wAIT WAIT YOU GUYS HAD A BET?!

Sashabruh

Yeah ymir and reiner had a bet on who would top

Johneighhh

Fuck u reiner

how am I a bottom

MEXICANO

It’s the gaydar

Johneighhh

IMNOT EVEN GAY

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

I smell buLLSHIT

Pico

Really?? but I swear I saw you limping??

Johneighhh

WHAT NI

MEXICANO

omg I just knew it.

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Why u always lyinnnn

Johneighhh

YOU DIDNT SEE ANYTHINF ARMIN

Pico

But Marco looked just fine???

I dunnooo but im preeeetty sure u were limping

YEESUSCHRISTA

Oh so thats why he was walking kinda weird

MEXICANO  
u shouldn't be ashamed oF BOttOMing jEAn

Johneighhh

I want death

RED FLAG

I never took u for a bottom jean

Johneighhh

really? I don't remember asking .

Moveslikejeager

wait whats going on

Pico

jean has admitted to being a submissive individual 

Johneighhh

NO U

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

jean as a power bottom though

johneighhh 

I hope you all step on a fucking lego n die

_RED FLAG changed johneighhhs username to jeantheestallion_

RED FLAG

he do be a power bottom though

YEESUSCHRISTA

how creative.

RED FLAG

u gotta stan the queen, megan <3

MEXICANO

hand em over 

u just got uno reverse carded

RED FLAG

FINE HERE

Moveslikejeager

Did I miss something

jeantheestallion

No

MEXICANO

Only jean getting fucked by Marco before the ceremony

Moveslikejeager

WOAhoho

jeantheestallion

fuckyoufuckyoufcukyou

Sashabruh

Oh Annie and bertholdt did it too

Reiner pt 2

HOW MANY TIMES DO I TELL YOU WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING

MEXICANO

They were just renewing their wedding vows

Reiner pt 2

No we weren’t

Ur a shit friend

MEXICANO

Serves you right for exposing me

Moveslikejeager

For what

Reiner pt 2

Inhaling gas canisters

Moveslikejeager

DUDE

WHY

MEXICANO

IT TASTES GOOD

And makes you feel like ur on cloud nine

U should try it

KICKASSA

Don’t encourage him.

______

1:56 pm

Moveslikejeager

Are you guys also joining the expedition

KICKASSA

Yes we are

jeantheestallion

**suicide fieldtrip

Moveslikejeager

**no one asked

jeantheestallion

Can u even control your titan powers 

Moveslikejeager

Why are you even asking

jeantheestallion

I heard you attacked Mikasa 

KICKASSA

uh

Moveslikejeager

well

Unconsciously

jeantheestallion

Do u just ever stop and think about why the fuck ur in a suicidal mission with Jeager

Pico

can relate

Moveslikejeager

Ok armin

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Tbh I forgot the reason why I even joined in the first place

Sashabruh

Same

RED FLAG

cause ur stupid

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

But not ugly like you

RED FLAG

Thats so original!

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Bug off

MEXICANO

Lmao I get it

Moveslikejeager

I don’t??

Pico

Someone said ymir looks like a bug

RED FLAG

I dont see it

Moveslikejeager

thats weird why am I seeing this

RED FLAG

Id be a sexy bug

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Id step on you

RED FLAG

I suppose a boy can dream

I mean I am a head taller than you will ever be

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

BUG OFF.

YEESUSCHRISTA

I think you all should prepare

We’re leaving soon

Sashabruh

Where???

Moveslikejeager

Outside

Sashabruh

We re literally outside rn???

Moveslikejeager

On the 57th expedition dumbass

Sashabruh

OoOOHHHh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOLLOW MY TWITTER   
> OR JUST CHECK IT OUT  
> I posted a Levi edit .
> 
> yeah go check it out u don't have a choice 
> 
> twitter:Malkandcookies1


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know loves it’s been FIVE FUCKING DAYS I’m sorry for not updating
> 
> You see I’ve been on a vacation (yes even though it’s quarantine) and that’s why I wasn’t able to update but now I’m BACK

10:56 am

Sashabruh

WHY ARE THERE ALREADY SO MANY TITANS AROUND MY

RED FLAG

fat bait does look inviting 

Sashabruh

FUDGE YOUUUUU

MEXICANO

Dude just let the support team handle it

Sashabruh

BUT IF THEY DIE???

MEXICANO

Then rip lol

Moveslikejeager 

It’s abit too early to be shitting your pants don’t you think 

Sashabruh

SAID THE GUY WHO NEVER KILLED A TITAN

Moveslikejeager 

I’ve killed more titans than a veteran on cobra .

Jeantheestallion

She means with talent jeager

Smth u clearly don’t have 

Moveslikejeager 

Ok boomer

Jeantheestallion 

Did you just fucking call me a boomer

Pico

you guys are so childish 

Moveslikejeager 

shut up zoomer 

Pico

HoW am I the zoomer?

Jeantheestallion 

Well I mean Pico is a kid

Pico

CAN YALL STOP

I’m literally more cultured than the rest of you uneducated individuals 

Moveslikejeager 

Stop acting like you aren’t just gonna find a sugar daddy when this is all over 

Pico

OMG BYE

Reiner pt 2

Istg stop texting my phone keeps dinging

RED FLAG

Then put it on silent 

KICKASSA

or maybe to avoid accidental death, you can stop texting and actually focus on the mission

_____

** Main hoes  **

11:20 am (they’re already in the formation)

Armin

I’m gonna hyperventilate 

Mikasa 

👍

Eren 

What’s wrong

Armin

IM SCARED OKAYDHDGSH

I can’t calm down.

OMG SOMEONE ALREADY FIRED A RED SMOKE BOMB AAAHFHWHDG

Eren 

Breathe armin 

Mikasa

just remember that we’re doing this so we only fight as little titans as possible. 

Eren 

Trust Erwin’s plan 

Armin

I DO

I’m sorry I just feel so paranoid 

I kinda wanna shoot my brains out

Eren

We’ll need it though 

Armin

Me?

Mikasa

The brain 

And maybe you

Armin

You guys always make me feel better wow!

Thanks SO MUCH.

_____

11:30 am

** No bro pass no entry  **

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Wait this whole strategy thing won’t ALWAYS work?!

Pico

Well a titan might not be noticed and suddenly appear inside the formation 

Jeantheestallion 

I N S I D E?

Pico

Uh yeah? Cause of the landscape?? And surrounding towns? 

Sashabruh

OHMYGOD

FUCKINGPEPPERONINIPPLES

WHY IS IT ALWYAS ME HRJWGFHNEH 

Pico 

Like that for example :DD

Sashabruh

Oh my god I’m a failure among failures 

RED FLAG

glad we got that settled

YEESUSCHRISTA

Ymir stop being so mean

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

I mean if you die rn ur monument will live on 

MEXICANO

remind me who was the one who thought it was a good idea to make a fucking sasha monument 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

So her great legacy shall live on

Pico

Dude her monument is literally dirt piled on the ground outside the cabins with the name Sasha written in front of it

Moveslikejeager  
don’t forget the breadcrumbs and mouldy carrots we left. 

Sashabruh

Well I guess death wouldn’t be so bad if you guys bring me food offerings  🤔

RED FLAG

do not encourage this

Sashabruh 

Oh nevermind my squad is lit

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

I thought I was ur squad :((

Sashabruh

You WERE my squad 

Now ur fam <33

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

<3

MEXICANO

gay

——-

11:42 am

Pico

Does it seem weird to you that no red signals were fired yet??

NEVERFUCKINGMIND A BLACK ONE WAS FIRED

jeantheestallion 

I highkey wanna ditch this whole thing and just go get some coffee

Moveslikejeager 

Go ahead im sure a titan would be happy to serve you some 

Sashabruh 

after many near encounters with death

I’d like to think of myself as a reformed citizen 

Jeantheestallion 

ur just retarded

Sashabruh

**renowned and respected

RED FLAG

funny joke

Pico

wow there’s a fourteen meter abnormal one heading our way 

JUST after we took out the first 

MEXICANO

ur pretty unlucky today hm

Pico

I AM GOING TO DIE TODAY.

Moveslikejeager 

No. 

If u die I’m going to show everyone ur bookmark list on ao3

RED FLAG

SHOW

Pico

FICK NO

IM ALIVE IM ALIVE

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

what is in ur reading list

Pico

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHY 

Sashabruh 

Isn’t that a channel?

Pico

No

Moveslikejeager 

Yes it is

Pico

Fuck

Wait what the...

That titan isn’t normal..

Moveslikejeager

Isn’t it an abnormal?

Pico

NO I MEANT ITS GOT INTELLIGENCE 

I’m pretty sure that bitch has a brain

She’s zippin like Usain bolt

omg its actually kinda scary

Moveslikejeager 

It’s got a gender???

Pico

Yeah

And she’s got a pretty thicc ass

MEXICANO

did someone say thicc ass

Pico  
NEVERMIND SHE WIPED OUT MY WHOLE SQUAD WTFF HEGFYWJFJWH

Moveslikejeager 

so it’s like me?

Pico

YES

FUCK IM GONNA DIE

I can’t believe I’m gonna die a fucking virgin

RED FLAG

hah sucks 2 b u

Moveslikejeager 

Armin are you still there?

Armin

ARMIN

MEXICANO

well shit I’m sorry for u bro

Moveslikejeager 

HE ISNT DEAD

KICKASSA

Knowing armin he’ll just survive by accident 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

TRUE THOUGH

____

12:00 pm

Pico

Hi

RED FLAG

oh wow ur actually alive 

Moveslikejeager 

Told u 

Pico

It’s definitely intelligent 

It lifted my hood to idk

See my face?

Then it just left me there

Jeantheestallion 

It didn’t do anything??

It just left??

Pico

Yeah??? she must've seen the deepest depths of true hell swimming in my eyes..

also I dont have a horse now it ditched me

Man fuck horses

Moveslikejeager 

Fuck horses 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch

id gladly pay for ur therapy if I wasnt a broke b armin

Eren

more like pay for his exorcism 

MEXICANO

it identified you then left you alone??

Pico

Pretty much

MEXICANO

that’s odd 

Pico

I told you 

That bitch went to school .

It’s clearly smart and is heading towards somewhere

Like the center of the formation 

Jeantheestallion 

gasp

great another eren

one is more than enough 

Moveslikejeager 

get off ur high horse jean

Jeantheestallion 

HA Ha HA

MEXICANO 

I’m gonna agree that was a shit joke

KICKASSA

why would it want to get to the center though?

YEESUSCHRISTA

GUYS 

THE RIGHT FLANK OF THE FORMATION IS ALMOST WIPED OUT

Moveslikejeager 

WHAT

YEESUSCHRISTA

that female titan you were talking about

She brought a hoard of titans with her

:((

RED FLAG

aw shit really?

bet she knew we had back up

Jeantheestallion

smartass 

srsly I can’t with this shit anymore 

Pico

Why would it need to look at my face though???

RED FLAG  
IDk maybe cauSe iT RecoGnized YoU?

Pico

So it’s someone I know

Or we know

Sashabruh

It’s Annie!

Reiner pt 2

I-

MEXICANO

SAY SIKE RN

Sashabruh 

HAHAH IT WAS A JOKE 

Reiner pt 2

Jokes are supposed to be funny 

MEXICANO

Oh hey I found a survivor 

Oh wait it’s armin

Pico

THANK FUCK SHDHJAHS

MEXICANO

u look pretty pathetic 

Pico

Never been told that before 

MEXICANO

so what were u saying again about a titan

with a thicc ass?

;)

Pico

really .

MEXICANO

a s s s s s s

Pico

Wait I need to fire the signal first

Jeantheestallion 

sup hoes

this party boring af

Pico

Oh hi jean

MEXICANO

oh great 

looks like I didn’t need to bring an extra horse 

Jeantheestallion 

OKAY

so what about this female titan

Pico

I’m pretty sure there’s someone inside it

trying to get eren???

MEXICANO

That’s a bold assumption

Pico

**mosT LIKELY ASSUMPTION

MEXICANO

WAIT but wasn’t eren supposed to be in the right wing?

Jeantheestallion 

What no

Pico

Oh wow

we got fooled bois

MEXICANO

so no one knOws where Eren acTuAlly is?

Pico

He’s probably in the rear

Jeantheestallion 

As if that wasn’t obvious ? 

Anyway these flares don’t do shit

We should just stall the thing so the rest of us can retreat 

MEXICANO

Whoa since when did u care

RED FLAG  
ever since his boyfriend 

Johneighhh

eat dick

tbh I can’t even find it in myself to give another shit anymore 

MEXICANO

lmao

ok armin what do we do now

Pico

we should put on our hoods

jeantheestallion 

Why

MEXICANO

Cause we’re hoodrats

Pico

She won’t kill us without first confirming our identities

Jeantheestallion

How are you so sure that she won’t kill us regardless

MEXICANO

no one likes you jean so I’m pretty sure you should put on the hood so she doesn’t kill you immediately 

Jeantheestallion 

ur just jealous cause you don’t get as much clout

MEXICANO

yes but i prefer earning respect and admiration than getting recognition for literally looking like a cardboard horse mascot 

RED FLAG

BU L L

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

SH I T T T 

Jeantheestallion 

You wanna go bro

I will manoeuvre gear blade ur fucking nuts 

Reiner pt 2

I spy with my little eye a big fucking lie

MEXICANO

I spy with my little eye a little pathetic simp

Pico

Eren?

Sashabruh

Ymir?

RED FLAG

i am not a simp I am married there is a diFFERENCEEE

Moveslikejeager 

IM NOT A SIMP 

MEXICANO

it was Bertholdt dumbass

Sashabruh

Oh yeah fair

Pico

GUYS WE SHOULD REALLY GET GOING

______

12:38 pm

Jeantheestallion

Wow she fast as fuck boi

RED FLAG

it’s 845 who the hell says “boi”

Moveslikejeager 

Jean apparently 

😔

Jeantheestallion 

I was quoting a meme?!?!

Guys we should try to at least cut her foot

that should stop her from catching up

Pico

Killing the titan would be impossible for the three of us 

But if it was levi and mikasa......

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yeah that’s most probable

RED FLAG

I wouldn’t even be surprised if they were related 

Jeantheestallion 

Naahhh

KICKASSA

the midget syndrome doesn’t run in either of my families so

Moveslikejeager 

Oof

——

1:02 pm

MEXICANO 

ABORT ABORT ABORT

Jeantheestallion 

YOURE NOT DEAD?!

MEXICANO

NOT ON THE OUTSIDE

Jeantheestallion 

Damn I forgot how good u were

I mean cause mikasa is the biggest fucking show off

KICKASSA

showing off? it’s my natural ability 

MEXICANO

Yeah yeah yeah why don’t you go save you’re boyfriend slash son slash brother 

KICKASSA

I wouldn’t mind all

MEXICANO 

WHAT

Jeantheestallion 

WTFHSGSHSGS

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

mikasa got no chill

RED FLAG

u are so lucky eren isn’t online rn

Pico

he is

Jeantheestallion 

??

Pico

He’s texting Levi

KICKASSA

WHAT?

Pico

JUS KIDDING IDUNNOOO

well he’s online I just dk 

Maybe he is ;)

KICKASSA

istg I’m going to squash that bug

Moveslikejeager 

Please don’t

Pico

You better save him though 

I’m pretty sure the female titan is headed in his direction 

Moveslikejeager 

Oh balls

Why me

Pico

Cause you’re eren jeager

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO CHECK OUT MY [MIKASA EDIT](https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1/status/1280052976933986305)
> 
> ON TWITTEERRRR PLSSS THANK YOUU


	16. fallen comrades, explosive diarrhoea, and angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the female titan is a fuckin tsunami, Jean probably has explosive diarrhoea and Krista comes to the rescue!!

1:10 pm

Pico

Fuck I’m probably gonna get paralyzed

MEXICANO

It can’t be that bad

Pico

I was thrown off of a horse .

MEXICANO

does ur gear still work 

Pico

Yeah 

Jeantheestallion 

uh my horse ran away

Pico

aw that must suck

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

u literally got thrown off by one not even an hour ago

Pico

Yeah but he’s a horse

Moveslikejeager 

mhm

he never needed one in the first place

Jeantheestallion 

wow jeager u can stop picking up jokes from the fucking recycling bin

that shits old 

Moveslikejeager 

that shit will never get old

Jeantheestallion 

IT ALREADY DID

MEXICANO

so I guess this is goodbye

Jeantheestallion 

and just leave me here???

MEXICANO

well armin already got my other horse

and plus he’s not annoying

Jeantheestallion 

wtf ur annoying 

armin let’s just leave reiner here 

uh hello?

MEXICANO

earth to twink

Pico

Oh sorry 

i was just thinking about that titan

MEXICANO

yeah i know 

that ass

Jeantheestallion 

thatasssss

Pico

What no

Sorry I don’t think with my dick 

no offense  ☺️

MEXICANO

none taken  😌

So who’s gonna stay behind

Jeantheestallion 

I thought it was clear that u were staying behind :/

MEXICANO

when I’m actually useful?

Moveslikejeager 

he has a point 

Pico

cmon guys it’s common knowledge that I’m the useless one 

KICKASSA

it’s common knowledge that you have a lower self esteem than a middle schooler 

Pico

AT LEAST MY EGO ISNT WORRYSOME

OMG

YEESUSCHRISTA

where do you guys find that energy to go at each other 24/7 

I simply can’t -

RED FLAG

which is why you shouldn’t be like them sweetie  🥰

Moveslikejeager 

hypocrite

MEXICANO

maybe we wouldn’t have been arguing now if jean had just stayed behind-

Jeantheestallion 

I am staying behind

MEXICANO

oh great then it’s settled

Jeantheestallion 

SIKE

sorry but i value myself in case that wasn’t obv  💅

Pico

I don’t

lmao pls leave me here

maybe god will take pity on me and let me sneeze to death

I’m sort of allergic to pollen anyways 

MEXICANO

great now we got that settled can we go

Moveslikejeager 

CANT HE RIDE ON YOU

*your horse

MEXICANO

i mean I wouldn’t mind

Pico

IM FINE HERE THANKS 

Jeantheestallion 

I’m gonna try shooting another signal

Pico

i lowkey don’t wanna die from an allergy

Moveslikejeager 

I recall you saying when we were 12 that u wanted to get choked to death

jeantheestallion 

konky

Pico

I stand by what I said

MEXICANO

u might just cum instead of dying 

Pico

omg ur right how had I not considered that

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

gross

jeantheestallion 

hang on armin 

im pretty sure we’ll be able to leave altogether 

Pico

Gasp

Jeantheestallion 

What

Pico

Omg did u just say smth nice

RED FLAG

break ups hit hard </3

jeantheestallion 

CAN U STOP

Pico

is it possible to choke urself on grass 

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

what 

YEESUSCHRISTA

oh hey guys!

I saw the emergency signal 

Turns out it was actually you guys

Jeantheestallion 

IT ACTUALLY WORKED 

☠️💀☠️

MEXICANO

oh my fucking god it’s the literally second coming of Christ ...

YEESUSCHRISTA

I’m so glad you guys are okay

I found your horse jean

Jeantheestallion 

Uh thanks...

Pico

is this what being straight feels like

cause for a split second I swear-

MEXICANO

is this what catching feels is

cause I never -

RED FLAG

Krista baby get out of there before those hets infect u with their deadly sicknesses 

YEESUSCHRISTA

it’s fine Ymir we’re all friends!

MEXICANO

but with benefits 

RED FLAG

HAHAHAHAHAHAHOWBOUT u BIBBITY BOBBITY BACK THE FUCK OFF 

MEXICANO

it was a joke 

RED FLAG

hahahahahhaha so funny I’m laughing so hard hahagfsahsdfhafeg

MEXICANO

you lesbians are wack af

RED FLAG

u straight people are a disease

MEXICANO

who said i was straight

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

👀

Pico

Can we leave already

______

1:36 am

Pico 

If we ain’t retreating 

Jeantheestallion 

I’m gonna rage quit

MEXICANO

Pretty sure the signals been passed

We should be retreating soon

Moveslikejeager 

Change of plans guys :D

We’re continuing on a different course

Pico

Nevermiiiiiiind

Jeantheestallion 

HSAABSKJS

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

ur daddy’s crazy

Pico

He’s not my daddy

YET

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

you’ve been planning this the whole time haven’t you

sly bitch

Pico

🙃

Sashabruh 

damn 

RED FLAG

weren’t you dead

Sashabruh

nAHHHH 

You wish

RED FLAG

😔

_____

1:40 pm

** The indestructible squad  **

Camel

Is it just me or does riding on horses for a long time make ur balls hurt

Goonter

Ur just petty 

Camel

I can understand why you can’t relate

I mean it’s not like u have any

Goonter

No u

Nicegirl 

Damn Oruo, first ur tongue then now ur nuts? 

You’re getting really old

Camel

IM NINETEEN????

Nicegirl 

You and Levi look like you got ur ages switched up

Camel

HE DOESNT LOOK THAT YOUNG .

Eren 

He does

Sorry sir but u don’t look ur age .

Camel

Sad 

Your opinion doesn’t matter cause ur a minor

Eren

Sad

Because it’s the truth anyway

Camel

can we kill him already

Levi

Eren are you implying that I’m nineteen?

Eren

Uh close?

Levi

How funny 

Eren 

If I may ask how old are you

Captain 

Levi

It’s rude to ask an elder person that question 

Eren

... I’m sorry 

Nicegirl

Cheer up eren!

He’s just a sad old man

Cause he’s 30

Eren

HES WHAT

RespectELDers

never gets old  😔

Camel

Unlike you 

RespectELDers

I might be the second oldest but at least I don’t look like a registered sex offender

Camel

*offended*

Eren

Captain are you joking

Levi

You’ve got a big mouth

Should I take that reaction as a compliment or an insult 

Eren

but you look so young and uh

Levi

?

Eren

good looking for a thirty year old??

Camel

Tf

Levi

god

new recruits are the worst 

Eren

IT WAS A COMPLIMENT-

Levi

Ok jeager 

Nicegirl 

Oh hey look the course changed

RespectELDers

Uh captain

The right wing of the formation

Levi

What about it

RespectELDers

It’s been wiped out 

Levi

The fuck

That fast?

Goonter

Oh lookie an abnormal titan is nearby 

_____

2:00 pm

** No bro pass no entry **

Jeantheestallion 

God I really just love suicide field trips 

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

good luck in there

Sashabruh

Oh looks like only the center of the formation is heading inside

good luck jean!

Jeantheestallion 

if this triggers my explosive diarrhoea 

Pico

u have explosive diarrhoea? ew

Jeantheestallion 

I don’t but I feel like I DO

It’s like a boiling cauldron down there 

Pico

Looks like we’ll be titan bait for now

Jeantheestallion 

What happened to the plan???

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

What happened to the formation??

KICKASSA  
fuck the formation

plans have changed 

Jeantheestallion 

but why aren’t we being told anything?!

sdhsgdjsgw 

Pico

Commander Erwin must be planning something 

Jeantheestallion 

omg what if we just 

Pico

start an uprising?

jean-

Jeantheestallion 

I’m just saying-

Pico

please don’t-

Jeantheestallion

but if it happens-

Pico

Jean no-

Jeantheestallion 

Jean yes-

Moveslikejeager 

pussy-

MEXICANO

jean aren’t you supposed to be on standby-

Jeantheestallion

ok fine

____

2:03 pm

** The indestructible squad **

Eren

Captain I have a question 

Levi

You may not ask

Eren

Why are we in the forest 

We just lost the ability to defend ourselves 

Levi

Are you as dumb as you look?

Eren

ouch?

Levi

look around you 

the environment is perfect 

for omnidirectional mobility gear

_____

2:10 pm

**No bro pass no entry**

Pico

Oh how did I not get it at first 

Jeantheestallion 

What

Pico

they’re gonna deal with the female titan inside the forest

👏

Jeantheestallion 

fukchgsghsg I wish there was a nearby toilet

RED FLAG

why don’t you try shitting on the titans below

Jeantheestallion 

that doesn’t sound bad

but no

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Chill

yall just gotta make sure they don’t enter the forest

Jeantheestallion 

tHEYRE RIGHT THERE

RED FLAG

take aim 

then shit

Jeantheestallion 

fuck

youuu

Pico

I’d give you my inhaler

but I’m pretty sure there are boogers up there

Jeantheestallion 

No?!

Pico

Still no 

:D

______

2:30 pm

** The indestructible squad  **

RespectELDers

oh wow she caught up

Camel

oh damn she thicc

Goonter

if she wasn’t running after us like the fucking purge id agree

Nicegirl 

ur standards are abysmally low oruo 

Camel 

aw are you jealous Petra

Nicegirl

hahahaha funny

youd find anyone hot oruo 

Camel

my standards are high?!

RespectELDers

prepare to die single then 

Camel

yall just jealous haters

Eren

UH WHY ARENT WE HELPING THEM?

Nicegirl

Captain can we use ODM gear already 

Levi

No 

Eren

WHAT DK WE DO GHEHQHF

Nicegirl 

UH CAPTAIN?

Camel

LETS TAKE IT DOWN

Levi

no

RespectELDers

THERES SIGNAL HERE RIGHT?

CAPTAIN CAN U PLEASE FUCKING GIVE US AN ORDER

Goonter

CAPTAIN YOU CAN HEAR US RIGHT

Levi

god u kids are annoying

Eren

HOW ARE YOU NOT FLIPPING OUT

RespectELDers

Oh cause he’s captain fucking levi

he never does

BUT CAN YOU PLEASE SAY SMTH

Levi

Stop spamming my inbox

Camel

FHAGNCHAHQ

Nicegirl

CAPTAIN PLEASE 

😩😩😩

Levi

Cover ur ears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my edits on twitter .  
> OH AND I MADE A BOTTOM LEVI THREAD HAHAH GO CHECK THAT OUT TOO
> 
> [bottom Levi thread](https://mobile.twitter.com/Malkandcookies1/status/1280101110653435907)


	17. Transformations, panic, and inner gays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren accidentally transforms, everyone goes batshit, oh and he’s also painfully fucking oblivious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s actually a part 2 of this cause I couldn’t write down the whole episode ,,, yk it was too long ,,,uh yeah

2:40 pm

Nicegirl

CAPTAIN PLEASE UR ORDERS???

Goonter

CAN HE EVEN HEAR US

Camel

OF COURSE HE CAN

HES JUST 2 COOL 4 SCHOOL APPARENTLY

Levi

Wow oruo ur almost as annoying as eren 

Eren

DHJAGDJW

CAPTAIN HELLO?

Levi

Can you stop 

RespectELDers

CAN YOU LET US TAKE IT DOWN

Levi

God i can already feel a grey hair sprouting

Focus on the mission

Protect eren and probably die for him

Camel

Since when did we get such a shitty mission objective 

Eren

I thought you guys were gonna watch over me?!

Nicegirl

Nahhh

RespectELDers

Watch over and protect you 

Camel

Yeah sadly 

Nicegirl 

Captain may we at least switch to ODM gear

Levi

Let me think

.

No

Nicegirl

did u guys hear that

Eren

The SOUND OF PEOPLE SCREAMING AS THEYRE CRUSHED AGAINST THE TREES AND RIPPED APART BY THEIR OWN GEARING?

Goonter 

I wouldn’t say meaningless

Nicegirl

no 

The sound of my heart breaking <\3

Eren

BUT LIKE THEYRE DYING?!

Camel

Bitch we ain’t deaf 

Eren

BITCH I AINT STANDING AROUND HERE LIKE YOU MFS

Goonter

**riding around 

Eren

WHATEVER

WE 

GOTTA 

DO SMTH

👏

RespectELDers

Trust the captain eren

Camel 

Shut up eren

Eren

HDUSHDJWYS

BRO SO MANY PEOPLE ARE DYING

this is 

Not

okay

Nicegirl 

EREN 

keep calm

and obey the captains orders

Camel

Yeah we all know ur simping over him anyway

Eren

WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT-

Levi

Shut up

Eren

IM NOT A SIMP  😤😤

Camel

wimp simp

Levi 

That was an order oruo

RespectELDers

👀

Eren

THEY ARENT EVEN REINFORCEMENTS ARE THEY

YOU SET THEM UP TO BE HIT AROUND LIKE PING PONG BALLS

nicegirl 

Well when you put it that way-

Levi

If it weren’t for Erwin’s stupid “foolproof” plan I would have gladly let you become a ping pong ball .

Eren

ouchie

BUT STILLLHDEYJFYWJY

Nicegirl 

Why we talkin bout ping pong balls

Eren

OK BUT WHY ARENT WE DOING SHIT

Levi

Shut 

Eren

🤐😭😭

lol holdup 

I can take this bitch myself 

Lmao bye guys 

Nicegirl 

EREN NO

RespectELDers

DONT DO IT EREN

Eren

Why not

Camel 

CAUSE WE SAID SO???

Nicegirl 

YOU PROMISED NOT TO UNLESS UR LIFE WAS IN DANGER

Eren

ALL OUR LIVES ARE IN DANGER

Levi 

I mean he’s not wrong 

Eren

What

Nicegirl 

What

Levi

I mean do what you want .

Eren

captain...

Levi

The kids a fucking beast

It’s not like anything can stop you now can it

RespectELDers

THIS IS NOT HELPING ANYTHINF

Camel

captain please put ur personal feelings aside .

Levi

please shut ur stereotypical looking japanese old man ass up

Nicegirl 

PREACH  💖

Levi

Anyway eren make a choice

keep riding with us or go back and transform 

Eren

yeah I’m having a windows shut down rn

Levi

you put this on urself k i d

Nicegirl 

EREN BELIEVE IN US

THINK ABOUT THE ALL THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER

Eren

I was with u guys for literally three days 

Nicegirl

uR POINT???

_____

10:34 am (a day ago)

Levi

Eren I’ve found a way to stop you in titan form without killing you 

Eren

owo?

Levi

Don’t do that it’s cringe 

Anyway it would only injure you 

I’m gonna have to hack you out 

Eren

But that’s gonna hurt .

Levi 

Well I could always just kill you yk

Eren

no tHANK YOU

Levi

Plus as a 

Whatever the fuck you are 

Your limbs would just grow back wouldn’t they

Eren

YeS BUT it doesn’t make things any less excruciating 

Levi

Oh so you’d rather I get killed in the process?

Or them

Eren

I would never 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

WHATS POPPEEEEEN HOESSS  🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Levi

Please never say that again

HUNGRY4TITANS 

I wUznt tAlkin tA yOu

EREEEENNNN DHEJXHENCHW

Eren

uh not present 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

YOULL PARTICIPATE IN NY EXPERIMENTS TKMORROW RIGHT?!

Eren

Yes?

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OMG I JUST THOUGHT

UR LIMBS GROW BACK RIGHT?!

Eren

Yes? So no dismembering-

HUNGRY4TITANS 

But there is ONE part or extension 

If I may say  😏

That isn’t a limb

Eren

Oh

OH

Levi

What are you getting at

HUNGRY4TITANS 

IF WE CUT THAT OFF WILL IT GROW BACK

OHGOD IWANT TO NKOW

NONMONNO

I NEEED TO KNOW

HDHDHFHHS

Eren

NO. NO. NO. NO.

STOP THIS I

Levi

you do not have consent you bespectacled shit

HUNGRY4TITANS 

CMONEREEEEEEEN

Eren

BIG FAT FUCKING NO SORRY BUT U DONT UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF ONES NUT

HUNGRY4TITANS 

ur so booooorrrrriiiiiinggggg

Eren

I’m DEFENDING MY RIGHTS AS A HUMAN BEING INDIVIDUAL????

Levi

Goodbye . 

_____

Next day (6:30 am)

HUNGRY4TITANS 

I HOPE U UNDERSTAND WHY WE RE DOING THIS IN THE WELL EREN

Eren

it’s filthy down here

I think I’m gonna pass out from the infestation 

Or the fact that I can see little eggs from worms and maggots

Levi

NOOO

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OK GO

uh it’s been 30 seconds?

Did he not see the signal or the text?

Omg what if he died from the contaminants 

Levi

Hey brat

Eren

WAIT IM TRYING

let me bite one more time 

OH MY GOD THIS HURTS SO MUCG J CAN BARELT TYEP

HUNGRY4TITANS 

Huh you can’t transform?

What

Eren

IDGEJXSHSHHBSHSDJEHJWXHDE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ITS NROT WORKING

HUNGRY4TITANS 

getting me excited all for nothing  😔

I think I went soft

Levi

What

The fuck.

HUNGRY4TITANS 

alright eren let’s take a break

_____

Eren

Captain I’m sorry..

Levi

Yes! Great job jeager. At the rate you’re moving, we’ll reclaim wall Maria in nO TIME I’m sure

Eren

jdhshgs

I’m sorry I 

Levi

Do something .

Eren

I tried I really really really tried

Levi

Well I’m really really really fucking happy for you!

Here, you get a bronze star

Eren

Uh why does this hurt more than it needs to..

Levi

News flash:

I DONT CARE 

Eren

I’m

Sorry

Levi

god I want an aspirin 

_____

Nicegirl 

omg eren don’t cry 

Eren

IM NOT CRYING? IM NOT? 

Nicegirl 

He’s just on edge like the rest of us yk?

I’m positive he didn’t mean it like that 

Eren

Is this heavy feeling in my chest what my mom called guilt? 

Nicegirl 

Probably

Eren

When I was 8 I stabbed like 2 sex traffickers to death and when I came home she screamed “you truly have no remorse you failed coat hanger abortion!”

Goonter 

What the 

Camel

oh damn ur a failed abortion too? 

RespectELDers

I’m gonna pretend u did not say that  👀

Eren

I feel like my hearts gonna stop

RespectELDers

Oh that’s probably just the woes of ur inner gay

Eren

The what of my what what?!

RespectELDers

Well since captain is mad and disappointed at you, you feel this intense feeling of shame and remorse and you keep asking yourself “why couldn’t I have done better?” “Why must that look on his face be directed towards me?” “Why couldn’t I have made everyone proud?” “Why am I such an epic fail?”

Eren

Wtf psychic 

Also uh no

Why does everyone think I’m gay for the captain

Nicegirl

Idk maybe cause you

Camel

Oh I don’t know it’s totally not obvious don’t worry 

Goonter

Yes very not obvious not even a blind person could fucking see

RespectELDers

Eren it’s obvious 

Levi 

What’s obvious

Eren

WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME

THE WEATHERS KINDA BAD I SHOULD BE LEAVING 

Goonter

Those 2 things don’t even correspond oh and we have literally no where else to go

RespectELDers

WHOALY SHIT

Nicegirl

FUCK

EVERYONE STEP BACK FROM EREN

Eren

WAIT I

Camel

KILLKILLKILLKILL

Goonter

NOT COOL EREN

Eren

WAIT I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I TRANSOFMED

Camel

I KNEW HE WAS A FUCKING EXPLOSIVE

Eren

IM A FUCKING HUMAN

Nicegirl

JUST WHAT ARE YOU

Eren

I FEEL SO FUCKING ATTACKED RN I THINK IM JUST GONNA GO-

oh wait I’m stuck 

fuck

Levi

yall need to chill

Nicegirl 

We think you should back off captain.

Levi

Oh well I think you guys should back off.

RespectELDers 

Yo what is wrong with you?!

You don’t know wHAT ELSE HE COULD DO

Levi

And neither do you???

Camel

WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM

Levi

Cause 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

DHH J DISHI K HE HEDMU HAK FUN K F S MY KFJGGHJWJJ JK HFKDUGWKHFFKSGHMSGDMSHFJSGFDJHS

AAAAAAAAAA

Levi

Oh fantastic 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

KMG MOBLIT QUFUU BRIFN OT THE NOTEPAUD

Levi

What???

Moblit

After years of hard work and headaches, 

😤😭😩😩😩

I can almost understand what she’s saying.

Almost.

Levi

I almost feel bad for you 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OMG IM TOUCHING THE ARM.

IM TOUCHING

Erens titan arm

CAN WE JUST

IM TOUCHING THE AMR IM GON A FUCKING CRYYYYY

😔😤💞💖✨💞💕

Levi

Eren run

Eren

Yessir 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

WAITTHEGVUEGHD WHY ARE YOU LEVAING 

ITS EVAPORATIING 

NOOOOOOHOHOHO

MY SACRED LONG LOST NUT

Levi

I need better friends 

Eren

*Is here???

HUNGRY4TITANS 

owo is that spoon I see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twitter: Malkandcookies


	18. Victory??, hard feelings, and love letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally capture the female titan, eren feels betrayed, and Levi is also swimming in de nile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! I just wanted to say thank you all so much for reading this I love yall and don’t get corona pls <3  
> I’m going to go on a vacation again so I might not be able to update everyday?? or the updates might be slower. BUT DONT WORRY the vaca is only for like 3 days so it’ll prolly just be one delayed chapter lololol

8:46 pm

** Eren **

Levi

Ugh

Quit gazing at the clouds like some sad Disney princess 

Eren

well im sorry for feeling opPRESSED when that’s what I’ve been subjected to for fifteen years of my life  🥺🥺

Levi

just cause you’re a 15 year old boy with serious mommy issues doesn’t mean I sympathize 

nice try

Eren

eh

i just thought we were all gucci yk 

Petra even gave a friendship bracelet made out of rubber and like one bead

eugh 

I could probably make a better bracelet with my tongue

but I didn’t wanna offend her so I took it

Levi

Oh she gave you one too

Eren

then they’re all up and overreacting 

Levi

That’s the exact reason for why they’re part my squad??

Eren

to be plastic?

Levi

to always expect the worst dumbass

Eren

so they never cared?

Levi

I didn’t say that

Eren

Captain do you care

Hanji 

HOWDY HOMOS

Levi

how THE FUCK did you get in here these are private dms?!

Hanji

god skillzzz

anyways I got news for yall

Levi

You COULD HAVE JUST SAID IT 

in the gc

Hanji

I know why you haven’t transformed eren

Eren

Because I’m about to be the greatest disappointment known to human history?

Hanji

you didn’t have a clear goal in mind!!

Eren

Oh so what was my goal supposed to be

Hanji

The other times you transformed you did have a clear goal didn’t you 

Levi

What were you even hoping to achieve by transforming eren

Eren

Oh now that I think about it I was too busy 

trying not to barf at those nasty smelling moulds and insect nests

Levi

Well yes that’s understandable 

Hanji

...

that explains why that teaspoon was perfectly fine.

Levi

yes okay leave 

Hanji

jeez 

ill leave you to it  😉😉

Levi

the fuck???

Eren

Hahahahahahaha

uh

Thank you

Levi

what for???

____

2:43 pm

** The indestructible squad **

Levi

you’re taking way too long to decide 

Eren

CAUSE I CANT ?!?!?!?!?!

AHHHSHDHSG

Nicegirl

EREN TRUST US

Camel

Beggars can’t be CHOOSERS

Eren

I WILL THROTTLE YOU

Levi

brat.

your choice.

Eren

UM UH UM UHUH UHH UM UHUHUM UMUMUM UH AH UH UM

YES???????????

RespectELDers

That sounded like smth out of a doujin

script 

Goonter 

Don’t make it weird eld

Eren

BUT THIS DOES NOT MAKE THINGS ANY LESS OKAY???

Levi

if you don’t shut up within the next second 

i will end ur sorry peasant ass.

Eren

please.

Levi

What

Eren

what

Nicegirl 

WAIT AT THIS RATE ITLL CATCH UP

Goonter

HEICHOU WHAT DO WE DO

Levi

hm 

shut up

Camel

SNGDJSHCJSHS

I THINK HES OFFICIALLY BRAINDEAD

Eren

Oh hey it’s commander erwin 

OH DAMN SHE GOT NAILED

that’s kinda hot

RespectELDers

ikr

see eren you can trust us

Levi

Ok brb

Eld you take my place 

RespectELDers

waitwaitWHAT

Levi

bye

Eren

NO WAIT WHERE IS HE GOING

Camel

Where else?

The club 

duh

Eren

WHATTDSGGWXEYWUYXJAJSS 

Nicegirl

Eren don’t listen to him .

Eren

IM SORRY I JUST FEEL LIKE IM GONNA JUST EXPLODE-

Goonter 

Maybe you have explosive diarrhoea 

Eren

What no

I meant my stress levels

Nicegirl 

Don’t stress too much 

You’ll end up looking like oruo

Camel

you love me

Nicegirl 

i apologize 

Camel

yes you’re forgiven 

nicegirl 

If I did anything that made you thINK THAT  🤢🤢🤢

Eren

rrrrrrrrrrreckt

Camel

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

_____

** WEBADBOYS **

Erbrows

Well done.

She skipped right into it

Levi ✨✨

it’s not us yk

it’s thanks to the many soldiers u use as pawns every expedition .

Erbrows

Well

Just another day for the survey corps,

Horny4titans 

JuSt ANOTHER DAY FOR THE SURVEY CORPS

😂🤣😂👏🤣😂👏🤣😂

Levi ✨✨

god I really do need better friends 

maybe it’s time to re evaluate my life choices 

Horny4titans

YES LEVI

after all you will be taken soon

Levi ✨✨

What???

Horny4titans 

Oh it’s nothinnnnn

Erbrows 

Who do you think is inside?

Levi ✨✨

Your mom probably

Erbrows 

I have never met my mother

Levi ✨✨

Well then today’s your lucky day

Horny4titans 

Lay off a little leviiiiii

the clouts getting to you

Levi ✨✨

what??? clout?

Horny4titans 

yeah just cause your famous doesn’t mean you can be a shit friend  🥺

Levi ✨✨

YOU guys are shit friends 

Also I’m not famous

Erbrows 

Levi...

Horny4titans 

Dood

You literally have hundreds of fan accounts 

or fanpages 

I’ve seen a lifetimes worth of girls try and FAIL to hit on ur gay ass

oh and yk the mail we receive? we had to make a separate inbox called “hardcore garbage”

Because every month we get mailed love letters for you and oh and don’t even get me STARTED on the thirst tweets-

Levi ✨✨

WHOA WHOA you’re only telling me this now?!

Erbrows

You’re famous Levi.

It isn’t necessarily a bad thing 

Levi ✨✨

Ok first of all I’m not gay 

Horny4titans 

you would not EVEN bat an eyelash at a woman .

except me ofc  💞

Levi ✨✨

that’s cause im not lookING FOR ONE?

and tbh i don’t even know what you are :/

Horny4titans 

sure levi 

I’m a woman

THAS GONNA BE THE FIRST PERSON TO SLAY TITAN ASS THE RIGHT WAY

Erbrows

...

If it contributes to the scouts then why not

Levi ✨✨

Also what’s this talk about love letters

Horny4titans 

“Dear Captain Levi, don’t listen to what other people might say about the scouts, you’ll still be our hero! Keep fighting! We’re beside you, along with the rest of humanity. We love you!”

Levi ✨✨

Oh wow

That’s actually nice

Horny4titans

THAT WAS THE ONLY WHOLESOME LETTER MIND YOU

Levi ✨✨

What?

Erbrows

Hanji you can stop now

I don’t think Levi needs to

Horny4titans 

“Captain Levi, every night, before I go to bed, I pray to our supreme daddy and lord luis fonsi that you want children in the future. My couch pillow simply cannot substitute any longer as the object of my desires in my nightly rituals, which is you. everytime i commit self fuck I wish it was you impaling me, although you can hit in from the back I don’t mind mpreg. I will gladly bear ur children and the children of ur children if it means u turn this tight little cooch into ur parking lot, (ps it’s open 24/7 no parking fee)”

Erbrows

Levi?

Horny4titans 

I don’t think he’s even processing atm 

Hello???

Levi ✨✨

You’re making this up

Horny4titans 

AM NOT???

THAT WAS ONE OF THE MORE TAME ONES 

WANT MORE??

Erbrows

God please no more.

Levi ✨✨

OK NO

also too bad for her i ain’t having kids EVER

.

Horny4titans 

period

HAHAHHA

see this is y u gay

Levi ✨✨

What have I done to warrant such disgusting attention .

Erbrows

Oh I don’t know levi it’s really not obvious 

Horny4titans 

oh idk why don’t you ask jEager  😉

Levi ✨✨

Why would I ask him?

Horny4titans

Nevermind

Levi ✨✨

Did you file restraining orders against them?

Horny4titans

I can’t count how many times we’ve tried

They keep coming

Ugh

Zoomers

Levi ✨✨

Should I actually be scared

Erbrows

Probably .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check my edits @ twitter
> 
> Twitter:Malkandcookies1  
> pls check it out srsly .


	19. Standbys, Freaks, and flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trainees squad 104 plays a little game, hanji is nasty, oh and eren and Levi have this little...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Since it was too long there’s gonna be a part 2 to this chapter
> 
> Also I put a LITTLE smth before the chapter starts
> 
> pls participate thanks!

**OKAY SO BEAR WITH ME**

yk the character label thing meme

<https://www.google.com.hk/amp/s/www.pinterest.com/amp/pin/534239574532845240/>

the one that has pictures of each character and some funny personality label then you tag urself to which one you relate to the most?!?! Yeah I did that and I was curious abt yall so tell me which one you are in the comments!!

btw I made this one myself so 

  
Daddy Satan (erwin)

-z a d d y

-lowkey soft

-the one no one messes with 

-presence alone gets respect

Johneighhh (Jean)

-tries too hard to be a top

-is actually a bottom

-that cringy kid back in grade 5

-pretends not to care

Levi ✨✨😩

-the one everyone clings to

-does not acknowledge their inner gay

-lowkey sub 

-v violent tendencies 

Regina George (mikasa)

-bitches wanna b her

-only cares abt one person in the world 

-“why is she good at everything?”

-probably a Mary sue 

Master shifu (Annie)

-leaves ppl on seen 90% of the time

-“not like other girls”

-zero giver of the fuck.

-looks effortless good in every photo

boku no Pico (armin)

-insults themselves to get compliments

-v lowkey

-“no self esteem”

-knows what they’re doing

Karate kid (eren)

-will take 46284 years to figure out they’re gay

-absolutely cannot handle losing

-mom gets called to principals office 60 times a year

-“YOU. DONT. UNDERSTAND.”

side character (marco)

-types in small caps for the aesthetic 

-very wholesome

-bisexual

-the kid that’s too nice to bully 

Koorista

-the one everyone said to “protecc”

-“that’s not me anymore”

-did a full 180 on their personality 

-uses a ton of emoji

_____

sasha burausu 

-no self discipline 

-gets bullied n does not fight back

-cannot b serious 

-absolutely hates confrontation

Dyke (Ymir)

-ur v stereotypical lesbian 

-tumblr activist for feminism and lgbtq rights

-owns a ton of flannels

-“men r a disease”

Otakufangirl69 (hanji)

-ao3, fanfiction.net, tumblr, twitter, etc.

-vvvvv freaky but will never get any action 

-no chill

-types in all caps 96% of the time

I<3trees (Petra)

-was probably a vsco girl

-has a tiktok acc

-aesthetic

-plans the group hangouts

**LEAVE A COMMENT ON WHO YOU THINK YOU MOST LIKELY ARE PLEASE ILY AND THANK YOU**

**  
The indestructible squad**

3:30 pm

Eren

Hey quick question 

Camel

Shut up

Eren

You think the female titan is an abnormal or an intelligent 

Camel

I think it’s an a stupid

RespectELDers

ur smoking dick if u think u can outsmart the commander  ✨🙌

Nicegirl 

Eren focus on the mission 

Eren

Yeah okay whatever fine 

_____

** WEBADBOYS **

Levi ✨✨

Alright

Time to dice this bitch raw  😌

Erbrows 

Wait.

Levi ✨✨

Ugh what

Erbrows

Don’t cut her open yet 

I’m gonna fire the rest of the wires 

____

** No bro pass no entry **

3:31 pm

Jeantheestallion 

I’m so bored 

Pico

But jean we’re really just supposed to be on standby...

Jeantheestallion 

Exactly 

I could be taking a cig with marco rn

YEESUSCHRISTA

But he’s not here anymore...

Jeantheestallion 

Oh yeah 

Pico

ouch

at least he gave you souvenir 

Jeantheestallion 

He didn’t??

Pico

His v card  😎

MEXICANO

or wAs it the oTHER WAY AROUND

Jeantheestallion 

S t o p I t

RED FLAG

ok let’s play 20 questions 

MEXICANO

g

RED FLAG

are u the one dealing odm gas and marijuana inside the regiment??

MEXICANO

Uh idk what ur talking about

avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

reiner theres a reason why commander erwin is running sudden drug tests.

MEXICANO

uh yes?

pls buy 

I’ll give yall a discount 

Jeantheestallion 

how much

YEESUSCHRISTA

jean!

think about how marco would feel

Jeantheestallion 

...

MEXICANO

he’s not h e r e jean

do it to forget the sorrows of parting with a loved one  🤧

Pico

Can I order

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

wtf u too??

Pico

It helps me cope with severe anxiety and the sexual frustration of knowing I’m probably never gonna get dick

Moveslikejeager 

hang in there bro

MEXICANO

yeah sure 

Reiner pt 2

What kind of 20 questions game is this

Sashabruh

a drug transaction 

Moveslikejeager 

lol are you high rn

MEXICANO

uh

RED FLAG

I want sum too

Moveslikejeager 

WHAT THE HELL

UR HIGH RN?!?!

DURING THE EXPEDITION?!

MEXICANO

no

I’m Mexican

RED FLAG

damn right u are

so how am I gonna get it

MEXICANO

some of the superiors are my clients 

Christa can u ask nanaba

YEESUSCHRISTA

sure 

wait shes-

MEXICANO

a bad bitch.  😎

Moveslikejeager 

This is unacceptaBLE

MEXICANO

u want some too?

KICKASSA

If you so much as give him a roll up I will shove a gas canister so far up ur fat ass you’ll be rocketing off as the first man on the fucking moon

Moveslikejeager 

mikasa it’s not like I was actually going to ask for one.

MEXICANO

I’ve been verbally assaulted so bad I think I might just turn off my phone 

RED FLAG

don’t forget to send the gas <3

KICKASSA  
Good

Pico

Mikasa you really need to lay off 

People might mistake you for his asian mom 

KICKASSA

and wife

Pico

What.

KICKASSA

what

____

** WEBADBOYS **

3:50 pm

Horny4titans 

Dhjsdhsbx holy jiminy cricket

This titans hot as FUCKK  😩😩😖

And that ass-

hmhnhmmhnhmhmmHMhm

Levi ✨✨

Wow

You just officially unlocked a new level of disgusting 

Congrats 

Erbrows

At this point I’m just gonna pretend you 

didn’t say that.

Horny4titans

FUCK

I sure hope this bitch ain’t a minor

Cause I’m boutta commit the illegal 

Erbrows 

...

Levi just get on with it.

Levi ✨✨

IM TRYING

Snortboy 

She keeps hardening her skin

Horny4titans 

Oh she gonna be real hard soon

Levi ✨✨

DIE

Horny4titans 

HAHAHAHAHAGFG

Erbrows

Are you serious

Well

That somehow makes her similar to the armoured titan

Levi ✨✨

What are we gonna do?

She’s covering her nape

Erbrows

Well then I guess we’re just going to have to BLOW up her wrists.

Prepare the explosives.

Horny4titans 

SIRYESRRRRRR

Levi ✨✨

Whoever’s in there must be shatting an egg rn

Erbrows

I mean who wouldn’t be?

Levi ✨✨

?

Erbrows

They’re gonna get punished.

Levi ✨✨

Ohmygodnotyoutoo-

Horny4titans 

KMFHHEGD DADDY SMITH

Erbrows

😌

😉

Snortboy

>;)

Levi ✨✨

Now I feel sad

Erbrows

Cheer up levi.

I meant whoever is in there might as well be ready for the wrath of the military police once we’re through with them.

Eren 

AND MINE

Levi ✨✨

ChEeR uP lEvi

Eren 

I wholeheartedly believe in the commander 

And you should too captain!

Levi ✨✨

Tsh

Wholeheartedly believe in his daddy kink

Eren 

Well,

I mean if you’ve got a daddy kink ha-

😏

Levi ✨✨

I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT ???

Horny4titans 

Omg 

IS CAPTAIN I HAVE A POPSICLE STICK UP MY ASS GETTING LAID

Eren 

😏😏😏

Levi ✨✨

Kiss the cubicle floor jeager

You’re on toilet duty for a fucking week

Eren

Id rather kiss your beautiful flawless cheek

Levi ✨✨

I hope your gear malfunctions and you die tragically 

Eren

I’m on horse rn

Levi ✨✨

Then get fucked by it or smth

Eren

I’d rather get fucked by

Levi ✨✨

ICANTHEARANYTHINGICANTHEARANYTHING

Horny4titans 

Sigh

Yung luv  🤧😪

Snortboy

This is probably the beginning of a very fruitful wholesome relationship 

Levi ✨✨

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END of EREN JEAGER

Eren

AYT GONNA DASH

Erbrows

You’re pretty whipped, Levi.

Levi ✨✨

Oh shut up you don’t even know

“Whipped”

Boomer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so Isayama stayed that Levi is awkward when it comes to romance so instead of writing like some smooth dude I wanted to make him awkward and sort of refuse to acknowledge his feelings. So yes he’s emotionally constipated and sometimes he’ll say things that would hurt eren even though that’s not what he actually means 
> 
> yes edgy ik
> 
> Twitter:Malkandcookies1


	20. last words, traitors, and mpreg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The female titan screams, the scouts retreat and the Levi squad discusses some things..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was wayyyyy longer than expected 
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading <33  
> leave a comment and kudos if you think armin has daddy issues

** WEBADBOYS  **

4:00 pm

Levi ✨✨

this bitches head really be built like an air balloon 

god it’s always the blondes

Erbrows

So I’m an airhead?

Levi ✨✨

**bimbos

God I can’t wait to cut open the person inside and interrogate them while slowly slicing off their limbs one by one again and again then hear their guttural screams of pain as they eventually die from blood loss.

Horny4titans 

kinky

Levi ✨✨

uh

Snortboy

Oh what the fuck was that 

Horny4titans 

I think my eardrum popped 

Oh wait nvm it’s just wax  😌

Erbrows

Clever

Very clever.

Levi ✨✨

What’s going on erwin 

Snortboy

Erwin

I can smell them coming

From every direction 

Erbrows

Well played 

for a bimbo, that is

Levi ✨✨

Erwin WHAT the FUCK is going on

Oh god was it a mating call

Erbrows

Something like that

Except they’re gonna eat her out

Levi ✨✨

I DONT WANT TO SEE THAT

Horny4titans 

QUICJ MOBLTI THE CMAERA

Erbrows

Literally.

Levi ✨✨

Oh

Horny4titans

Aw man

_____

** No bro pass no entry  **

4:05 pm

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Yall heard that?

Jeantheestallion 

I’m pretty sure even the titans outside the wall heard that 

Pico

Wow

that was loud enough to even cancel out the voices in my head for a second

MEXICANO

...

that’s kinda gay armin

YEESUSCHRISTA 

Armin are you okay 

Jeantheestallion 

That was probably her dying scream 

✨😌💅

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

Damn what do you think her last words could’ve been

RED FLAG

“stream yummy by Justin Bieber 

out on iTunes now <333”

Pico

EWNOHWHFJEGF

RED FLAG

every single one of them.

except my beloved krista <33

YEESUSCHRISTA

<333

MEXICANO

“Bert I cant believe you didn’t hit it when you had the chance”

Reiner pt 2

REINERGEJDYEJSHFWG

STOP THIS

RN

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

What??

Reiner pt 2

it’s nothing 

RED FLAG

ur sweating buckets rn

Moveslikejeager 

but isn’t that not unusual??

Reiner pt 2

Exactly 

Sashabruh 

WAIT I KNOW THAT SCREAM

RED FLAG

it must the terrified scream of every single thing you’ve put into your mouth 

edible or not

Sashabruh 

not just that!!!

It’s the scream of a cornered animal

That’s got nothin to loose  😔

Jeantheestallion 

SHIT THEYRE ALL RUNNING PAST US

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch 

they heard the mating call

Jeantheestallion 

Well at least it helped my concerning bowel movements 

Pico

Aren’t we supposed to be chasing after them?

Jeantheestallion 

And get killed in the storm?

No thanks  👐

____

** WEBADBOYS  **

4:07 pm

Erbrows

Ready the explosives

Horny4titans 

WE DONT HAVE ENOUGH TIME

THEYRE ALR EATINFG HER OUT  😭😭

Erbrows

More sacrifices then

Levi ✨✨

YALL R FUCKED

Snortboy

The second wave is already coming 

Erbrows

Already?

Shit

I guess we have to retreat then

Levi ✨✨

I G U E S S ? ?

Erbrows

Oh and Levi,

Refill your gas and blades 

Levi ✨✨

tf?

____

** The indestructible squad  **

4:10 pm

Levi

We’re retreating 

Camel

FUCKING FINALLY  🤘😭🤘

Nicegirl 

HDJDGJEHCSJDH 

🎉🎉🎉

Goonter

I saw the signal

Levi ✨✨

seriously I don’t even know why we can’t just text

Eren

DOES THAT MEAN YOU FINALLY FOUND THE PERSON INSIDE?!

Levi ✨✨

Nah

We’re retreating 

her last fucking card was an uno reverse

So much for his daddy kink

Eren

Damn

By a bimbo?

I can only imagine how painful that must be

um haha cause it’s never happened to me before

ofc

Levi ✨✨

Ikr

His first true loss 

Nicegirl

But that’s impossible 

we had her

Levi ✨✨

yall heard that obnoxiously loud scream 

Goonter 

Oh yeah

RespectELDers

oh we thought it was a booty call

yk, one last fuck before you kick the buck

Nicegirl 

I’ve never heard of that before.

Levi ✨✨

Yeah well anyway

he underestimated her

we all did

Camel

Yeah well at least we’re going back 

😭😭😭😭😭

Nicegirl

Oh and eren thanks for trusting us <33

Eren

Um haha it’s nothing 

Camel

Erm  🤔🤔

You should thank us for putting up with ur whiny level 1 XP ass

Eren

No

RespectELDers

oh yeah funfact eren

both oruo and his domestic wifey pissed during they’re first expeditions 

Eren

Wait as in pEE?

Goonter

oh yeah lmao

Nicegirl 

DID YOU JUST CALL ME HIS DOMESTIC WIFEY

Oruo

FUNFACTDIDNTHAPPEN

RespectELDers

yeah if u ain’t cutting napes ur cutting vegetables 

and ur playlist is full of Mariah Carey songs

Nicegirl 

FUCK YOUUUU

AT LEAST IM NOT A SHOTACON ENTHUSIAST 

RespectELDers

NOOO FUCK GUNTHER WHYD YOU SNITCH

Goonter 

I’m sorry  👉👈

Eren

Ew don’t do that

Camel

Oh hey there was a signal flare

Nicegirl 

It must be captain levi then

Captain?

Levi ✨✨

What?

wait I’m with erwin 

Eren

Then who’s 

Levi ✨✨

FUCK

MOVE FORWARD

I DONT WANT ANYONE ENGAGING IN COMBAT

Goonter 

Wait then who’s behind us 

_____

4:20 pm

**WEBADBOYS**

Horny4titans 

Erwin why are u making him resupply???

Erbrows

What do you see hanji 

Horny4titans

“Hot blonde chick gets eaten out in public”

Whoa I think that’d make a good title

just not a very good thumbnail....

Snortboy

Erwin your eye is twitching 

Erbrows

Dust.

Anyways, It’s possible that the person inside escaped

and is disguised among us.

Levi ✨✨

and is chasing eren right now

Erbrows

Damnit, let me finish Levi.

Wait that fast already?

Levi ✨✨

They’re after him already.

My squad reported a mysterious figure moving towards them

Erbrows

.

Send in the reinforcements 

Levi ✨✨

Can’t I go there myself?

Erbrows 

Not yet.

_____

4:21 pm

**The indestructible squad**

Goonter

Holy shit that ain’t captain levi alright 

Nicegirl

Wh-

GUNTHER

Eren

FUCK WE NEED TO GO BACK FOR HIM

Goonter

ILL BE FINE

ah fuck my head hit the tree so hard

I think I just saw my future great grandchild’s grandchild 

Camel

really???

You struck me as the forever single type 

RespectELDers

Hahahahahahaha

Nicegirl 

HahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Camel

What’s so funny 

Eren

🤣😂😭😂🤣😂😭😂

Camel

You don’t deserve a phone eren 

Eren

At least I’m gonna have a granDKID??

Nicegirl 

Oh but I thought you were gay

Eren

Uh wtf

no?

RespectELDers

kEep oN trYna hIde it buT youR frieNds kNow~

Eren

Well then I sure hope captain likes mpreg 

Nicegirl 

oh my GOD

RespectELDers

THATS WILD

UR WILD

Goonter

GOD

I wish this was a moderated chat

Camel

Kids nowadays 

The only reason ur alive now eren is cause the captain is busy yk

Eren

Yes I know

is it too late to say no homo 

Nicegirl 

No

RespectELDers

Yes

Eren

Fuck

Levi

I can backread you know

Eren

FUCK

Levi

...

I-

Wait what’s mpreg 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

HDRYKEYFJWGE OH SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MPREG IS?!?!?!?!

HEHEHEHFGWRNFEHHEHEHE

WELL

Levi

FUCK IF THIS IS RELATED TO UR BL BULLSHIT-

IM OUT

HUNGRY4TITANS 

it’s basically male pregnancy 

Levi

Huh how does that work

HUNGRY4TITANS 

ABO ofc!!!

Levi ✨✨

What’s ABO

Eren

Hahahahahahaha that’s enough ao3 for now

HUNGRY4TITANS 

It’s a special universe where males can have wombs

and females can havE SHLONGS

OH THE PAIN IN MY HEART  😩😩😭😭

Eren

HANJI SHUT UR FLAPS

HUNGRY4TITANS 

wHICH ONE

Eren

Oh my god you just had to

🤢

YOU JUST had to

😭

Levi

Wait you’re saying eren wants to impregnate me

Eren

HAHAHAHAH WHAT NO I WOULD NEVER THATS JUST THATS BEYOND ME LIKE INFINITY AND BEYOND ME AHHAHA

HUNGRY4TITANS 

YES! YES HE DOES

RespectELDers

she right 

HUNGRY4TITANS 

uh hello?

Levi??

Camel

I bet he’s so disgusted  😌😌😌

RespectELDers

or massively turned on

Nicegirl 

Or maybe his data cut off???

HUNGRY4TITANS 

OR MAYBE ALL???

Eren

Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is eren gay for Levi? YES. shamelessly? YES, but is he still unaware of his feelings? YES 
> 
> is Levi lowkey tsundere? yeeees??
> 
> Twitter:Malkandcookies1


	21. family quarrels, saving eren, and obliviousness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa and Levi cannot stop fighting but they save eren anyway, the scouts go back into the walls and get immense hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapters short as fuck so im forewarning u before the disappointment settles in
> 
> IMPORTNT ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE END PLS READ

**Okay so I had to skip writing episode 21 cause there were too many battle scenes and everything was so fast paced I couldn’t even imagine them texting so lets just skip to 22**

(Basically Squad Levi fights female titan then loses (THEYRE STILL THERE AND ALIVE DW JUST OUT OF COMMISSION LMAO) eren being eren transforms fights the titan and still fucking looses which ends up with him getting eaten and Mikasa coming to the rescue)

**Mikasa**

5:00 pm

Levi

Calm your fucking tits.

Mikasa

WE HAVE TO RUN AFTER THAT BITCH

Levi

Dont you think its too late??

Mikasa

IT WILL BE CAUSE UR FUCKING STALLING ME??

Levi

…

He literally got eaten hun

Mikasa

HE WASNT EATEN

THE FEMALE TITAN IS TRYING TO KIDNAP HIM.

HHWDYGIUQHIEFUQ

Levi

CALM DOWN FIRST.

Mikasa

You got an inhaler

Levi

…

fine.

Mikasa

Why is it strawberry scented

Levi

Cause why the fuck not.

Mikasa

…

ok

Look its intelligent and its goal really was to capture eren

Levi

He was eaten in front of our eyes.

Isnt it safe to assume he IS dead?

Mikasa

Oh well if ur so sure he was eaten why didn’t you get here FASTER

Do ur job smh

Levi

who tf do u think u are little girl

His lover?

Mikasa

His family.

Well not yet

Levi

I didn’t think his relatives were as fucked as him

But thats fucked

Mikasa

ur fucked

If u think you can protect him like I can

Levi

Girl I could protect him better than ur step bro kink having ass could

Mikasa

Id kick ur kneecaps in but u dont need to be centimeter shorter than u already are

Levi

I n h a l e s

Are we going to rescue him or are you gonna continue to insult my height to compensate for ur pathetic asian genes

Mikasa

.

Im only tolerating you for eren

Levi

Likewise.

5:06 pm

Levi

Remember dont FUCKING kill her

The goal is to save eren

Mikasa

And why not.

Levi

istfg

BECAUSE SHE HARDENS HER SKIN

So its near impossible

Mikasa

…

Fucking fine

Levi

You’ll be the bait

And ill get eren outta that stinkhole

Mikasa

How about you get eaten then I save eren

Levi

Oh My bAD

*act as bait

And no

Mikasa

Why cant I get eren out

Levi

Because im a veteran soldier

Ur just a veteran hoe

And oh im the fuckin capTAIN? Maybe thats why

Mikasa

Not a hoe

Well eren is an exception

Levi

I wonder what eren would say if I showed him this chat

Mikasa

Oh you wont live long enough for that shortfuck

Levi

I have half a mind to go for you instead so im just gonna go

5:10 pm

Mikasa

Wait why does this titan look so familiar

Levi

FOCUS

Mikasa

Oh my god

How are you that fast

Why am I

Is this the feeling eren calls jealousy

Levi

Yes.

Mikasa

She doesn’t even have time to harden her skin

Levi

this bitch didn’t anticipate our last card

Mikasa

The uno reverse…

Levi

Fuck yes.

Mikasa

HSUYAWIKFUHAIDIFIGFQI

EREEEEEEEEEEEEN

I KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE

OHMYGOOHMYGODHOMYGOD

Levi

MIKASA DONT

Mikasa

IM COMING MY LOVE

Levi

HE DOESNT NEED UR FUCKING LOVE

Mikasa

Oh shit ur ankle

Oops

Levi

WHFGQYGWFAGI

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD .

Oh god hes covered titan saliva

OKAY NOW WE RE REATREATING

Mikasa

Fine

Levi

IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY AFTER

Getting my ankle twisted?

Putting your weird fetishes above the mission?

And being an overall itch in the fucking ass?

Mikasa

I LOVE HIM.

Genuinely

Something you dont have

Levi

Who says I dont

Mikasa

Oh so you’re in love with a guy half ur age

Levi

CAPABLE OF LOVE

Fool

Not him

Mikasa

Yeah yeah whatever s o r r y

Levi

Damn right

Wait is that

she’s crying

noooooo

Mikasa

Im not crying

Wait HER??

She must’ve really wanted eren for desert

Too bad HES GONNA BE MINE

Levi

.

Im just gonna pretend I didn’t read that

God asians are freaky

Im so glad we aren’t related

Mikasa

Im gonna make her cry blood next time.

_____

5:31 pm

**No bro pass no entry**

Jeantheestallion

i swear im never gonna get used to this part

RED FLAG

same

these corpses stink like post-menstruation vag

Jeantheestallion

NOT JUS THAT

I mean dont u ever think about when you’ll be part of that group

Pico

If u think abt it like that

You’ll just loose ur will to live

But dw I lost mine a long time ago its not that bad

MEXICANO

Omg is jean having existential thoughts

I never wouldve thought

Jeantheestallion

pstshhhh

naH

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

But dont u wonder when ur next

Or if you’re ever gonna go home

Sashabruh

Ofc u will <33

Avatarthelastairbenderbitch

Yeah I will be next

Sashabruh

NOOO I meant u will go home

RED FLAG

U were right the first time .

______

6:00 pm

**WEBADBOYS**

Levi

Fuck erwin we gotta problem

Erbrows

What

Levi

The titans are catching up

Erbrows

Already ?

Levi

THEY DIDNT WANNA DITCH THE BODIES

Erbrows

Tell them to abandon the bodies

Or let their foolish attachments lead them to their demise.

Horny4titans

Ur awfully poetic erwin

you alright?

Erbrows

Who knows.

Levi

God finally

They decided to cooperate

_____

6:23 pm

**Main hoes**

Eren

guys

Mikasa

ERENGFYAWIGFHAWVIFYAWEUGK

oh hey ur awake

Armin

oh hi

Eren

what's happening where are we

Armin 

in hell

Mikasa

we re back inside the walls

Eren

why is everyone shouting

and why is someone trying to throw a tomato at the commander

Armin

because we are the scouts

hasdaksdgaiydsadcagidhasdu

Eren

is armin ok mikasa

Armin

ive been listening to way too much lil darkie

Mikasa

no not really actually 

but I dont care

because you're okay

Eren

lol okay

Armin 

ouchie

Eren 

where are we headed

armin 

we re gonna turn u over to the cops

Eren

gasp

NOOOOOOOOO

Armin

kidding

Erwin will probably plead on ur behalf

hes such a great guy <33

Eren

have u made a move yet

Mikasa

if you count his desperate attempt at flirting during class recitation that flopped then yes

Armin

SHUT 

AT LEAST IM NOT CHASING AFTER A GUY WHO IS OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHIBG U DO

Eren

damn Mikasa you've got it bad

who is it

Armin

AHHAAHAHAJAHJAH

Mikasa

haha eren sweetheart I think you should rest

armin im kicking you out of this clique

Armin

YOU CANT DO THAT

Mikasa

oh did you mean physically

I could do that too

Armin

YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST

GOODBYE

Eren

armin no wait

Mikasa

now that hes gone..

Eren

im gonna sleep

Mikasa

god fucking damn it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO Im going to be making a new book! and im super excited cause its like a crossover. yk a story but different characters. It should be out by tomorrow or even tonight so please check it out. its gonna be action packed and YES its gonna be ereri too hahahah. the story and plot isnt mine! im just going to be using aot characters. I promise you itll be worth it.


	22. Annie warbucks with PTSD, Hamilton references, and betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy I’m back again updating 2 books at once 
> 
> My body is gonna have a windows shut down I’m so tired so here I am falling asleep while writing while listening to Lana del Rey

** MP cadets  **

8:02 am

Hitch

Filthy scouts 

Marlo

What is it this time hitch

Hitch

They keep getting themselves into shit

And now we have to do work

Marlo

Just what were you expecting when you joined the MP

Hitch

What were YOU expecting 

this is the military police child.

the land of corrupt politicians and white capitalists that prey on teenage girls <33

Boris

You sound like a trump supporter

Hitch

THAS cause I am

Boris

Gross

Marlo

To make it to the top of course!

Hitch

cute

then I sure hope you like it up the ass

Marlo

What the hell?!

Hitch

To get into a higher position duh

Requires flexibility in certain areas

including the literal term

Marlo 

I do not understand. 

I merely want to bring justice to the system and rid this government of corruption 

Boris

Um marlo 

Hitch

LOOOOOOOOL

Were you raised in a convent or some shit

The whole system itself is the “corrupt”

which makes life here all the more easy

😌💞😌💞

Marlo

I’m not like you guys!

I am Marlo Freudenberg and there’s a million things I haven’t done

Hitch

stop the hamilton references

Marlo

BUT JUST YOU WAIT

just you wait.

Hitch

Oh look if it isn’t Annie warbucks with PTSD

Boris

give it a rest hoe.

Hitch

I’m pretty sure she watches surgery videos at 2am 

and is a registered reddit user

Annie

And what if that’s true?

Boris

Which one 

Commanding Officer

It’s time to line up fuckwads

Hitch

I would’ve never joined this misogynistic hell if I’d known that they were gonna dump all the workload on us  😭😭

——

8:06 am

Marlo 

OH MY GOD

Hitch

What.

Marlo

They’re 

THEYRE SELLING our equipment to the black market!

Hitch

There are established trading spots actually 

Marlo

This isn’t good!

Boris

Don’t do it marlo

Marlo

But my grandparents always told me to do the right thing!

Hitch

Your grandparents probably had your parents in an accident who had you as another unfortunate accident 

Marlo

True but,

I need to do it.

Hitch

They’re gonna throw u off the docks.

Marlo

Then so be it!

Hitch

Annie do smth

Annie

Doing the right thing, huh

How admirable

Hitch

Istg

You’re both theatre freaks

Annie

Oh but aren’t you also a freak?

Boris

Oh shi 

Hitch

What are you implying commie

Boris

Hitch everyone knows that u sucked dick to get in

Hitch

UM

Well it wasn’t just that!

Annie

Yes it wasn’t just that 

You forgot to include vag

Hitch

NO.

As if

I GOT IN HERE BECAUSE I HAVE AMAZING CAPABILITIES 

Annie

I’m sure you do

Hitch

Bitch

Anyways do smth before marlo gets sent to a concentration camp

Marlo

Annie thank you so much!

Annie 

You’re welcome

Boris

You catch the drift yet marlo?

Marlo

I won’t give up

Hitch

Perhaps we should have just let this fool talk himself to his doom

_____

** Annie **

8:20 am

Armin

Annie thank god you came

Annie

What do you want 

Twerp 

Armin

Someone forgot to take a nap

Hahaha uh um

Please help us Annie

Annie

This sounds sus

Armin

Well yes it is 

Please help us sneak eren out of the capital

Annie

No

Armin

it’s jean in the convoy .

Disguised as eren

Annie

Against his own will I assume

No.

Armin

Correct

pleaaaaaaaaaase

Annie

No

Armin

You’re a good person Annie  🥺

Annie

...

Can you supply 

Armin

Wait are you serious 

Annie

Who’s your supplier

Armin

Whoa um

Reiner duh

That dude has an infinite stash

But I don’t have infinite cash  😩

Annie

That’ll do

Give me three

Armin

You’ll help us though?

Annie

Sure 

As long as he can come through.

Armin

Is participating in gas and substance abuse normal in the MP

Annie

To the point that it’s not even illegal anymore 

Armin

YALL HAVE IT EASY

also thanks Annie 

Annie

Sure

How is Bertholdt

Armin

He’s still six foot four and most likely impotent (according to the rumours)

If that’s what you’re asking 

Annie

Don’t believe the rumours armin 

Armin

Why are you asking about bert 

Wait how would you know Annie.

Annie

You should get going armin 

Armin

What is the meANING OF THIS?

Annie

Goodbye armin

_____

8:40 am

** Armin, Mikasa, Annie **

Eren

Annie 

Annie 

What 

Eren

Thank you so much for helping us

Annie

I’m only doing it for recreational drug abuse

Eren

NoT YOU TOO

Annie

There are a lot of suppliers but Reiner seems to have climbed his way up the mafia 

Eren

Our fellow comrade is a fucking drug cartel leader?!

?!?!?!?!

Armin

And on top of the criminal food chain at that

Eren

Oh who’s fucking shocked at this point

He’s Mexican anyway 

Mikasa

That’s racist eren 

Eren

ThAts rAciSt eReN

Armin

Eren that is no way to speak to your mother!

Eren

Oh how could I forget?

Mikasa

Does that mean I get to spank you for being a bad boy

Annie

You Shiganshina people are all sweet home Alabama 

Armin

Where’s the lie 

Eren

Annie aren’t you coming with us?

Annie

Down there?

Pass

Armin

Why not?

It’s the quickest way towards the exit

Annie

Well you see armin

They don’t call me annie warbucks with PTSD for nothing 

Armin

We never called you that 

Annie

Oh um

It’s a new title

Mikasa

That’s kinda pitiful Annie 

Annie

SHUT UP

Anyways I’m scared of the dark 

So I won’t go

Eren

ANNIE PLEASE

Annie

No

Armin

Ur not scared of the dark.

Annie

You know what your right armin 

I’m not scared of the dark

Eren

THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOINFDYHCGS

Armin

Um

We can make the deal 4 with a discounted price

Annie

Why are you so desperate to get me inside the hole

Mikasa

Cause it’s where filthy sewer rats like you belong but that’s another discussion 

Eren

MIKASA YOU DONT SOUND VERY CONVINCING 

Armin

please come with us  🥺

Annie

Your emoji fools me no longer.

Now that I think of it this street is pretty deserted.

Eren

...

Annie

I wonder why.

Armin

Yk what let’s just tell her

Eren

WE CANT

Armin

You’re the female titan aren’t you 

Annie

I don’t know am I 

Armin

You’re the one chasing after Eren

Annie

I don’t know how it took you this long to figure out when literally everyone watching could tell

Armin

Watching?

Annie 

Anyways 

How’d you figure it

Armin

You used Marcos gear when we had to turn ours over that day

and you skipped the drug test

Annie

Armin everyone skipped the drug test.

Except for maybe you and eren 

Yes I did kill those titans

Eren

You’re lying Annie.

Annie

The truth must suck, Eren.

Did you like me that much 

Mikasa

Hahahaha

No one likes you Annie I thought that was a given

Annie

I’m well aware

Why didn’t you stop me then

Armin

Because I didn’t want to believe it?

I still don’t want to believe what you’re saying now...

Maybe what you’re saying isn’t 

Eren

Annie we just wanna talk-

Mikasa

We ain’t talkin about shit.

Now, I’ll make sure to dice that steak up

Nice and raw.

Annie

hm

ahhahahaha 

Eren

??

Armin

???

Annie

haha..

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Armin

Mom pick me up I’m scared

Eren

They don’t call her Annie Warbucks in a Midwest emo phase for nothing...

Annie

It’s ptsd 

PTSD.

Eren

What’s so funny 

Annie

Oh I don’t know 

The CEO of Alabama reminds me of a certain captain 

Eren

Captain Levi?

Annie

I could have sworn they said the same thing

You both must be related 

Mikasa

No.

Eren can I unalive her already please

Eren

BUT

YOU CANT BE THE FEMALE TITAN

Annie

Then we’ll just have to see it for ourselves then won’t we?

Armin

FUCK-

NOW.

Eren

WE GOT HER

WAIT NEVERMIND

Mikasa

IM GONNA TEAR APART HER LIGAMENTS WHEN I GET THE FUCKING CHANCE

ARMIN EREN QUICK

Armin

Well that was close 

Eren

WHAT DO WE DO

Armin

You can’t transform here right

Eren

I can’t 

Armin

Then I guess we’re just going to have to play it by eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my new book plZ, I posted a new chapter. Plus it’s cool because it’s ereri but- in the future. 
> 
> [New story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25401454/chapters/61599517)
> 
> Twitter:Malkandcookies1


	23. Important

Thank you so much for following the progress of this book and reading up to here! This book will be on a hiatus for one week because I believe we have reached the end of season 1

or close enough anyway.

ill be editing this book though, making small changes and taking out unfunny cringe. (I sincerely apologise for that)

and I’ve been thinking, do I change the layout of this story? Instead of texting or in a Groupchat should I just write it as it would be in real life?

lets be real here it’s getting even more nonsensical to write text scenes during a fight or in battle which is practically majority of the story. And they’re literally all next to each other they wouldn’t need to text.   
  


so I’m considering changing the format of this story. Tell me in the comments wether I should continue this gc thing or try switching to actual paragraph writing.

(temporary or permanently I’m not yet sure)

feel free to leave questions in the comments


	24. confessions, poetry readings, and fuck ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has some things to say to his friends, Levi and Eren have a little chat, and armin is the biggest fuck up known and unknown to mankind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since u sweets preferred the texting au,,,then the texting au will stay 🎉🎉
> 
> IM BACK JSYDJSTDHW henlo.  
> It was supposed to be Friday but I missed writing for you guys so ur gonna have it on Thursday!!

Main hoes

9:01 am

Armin

im gonna die in a filthy tunnel

want some odm gas eren

Mikasa

No he doesnt

Eren

but if we do get out of this we’re still gonna need you 

Armin

but she’ll most likely be covering the two sides of the tunnel

Eren

hey armin if we dont actually get out of this

i just wanted you to know im coming out..

Armin 

lol ik

WAIT WAIYT WIJGT SAY THAT AGAIN

  
  


Mikasa

Say sike right now.

Eren

i realized something a few days ago

Armin

LIKE FINALLY???

Mikasa

its a phase eren.

Eren 

i was alone with captain levi after the expedition

Armin

oh his whole squad ended up in the ER poor old man

but go on luv

Eren

we had a little um

Armin

-child?!

you had a little child?

thats great eren!!!!!

Eren

um no

we had a talk

Armin

oh so its slow burn now?

i mean its not my thing but as long as i get to be the flower boy in ur wedding then

Eren

uh that wasnt planned

Armin

YET

Mikasa

but your not gay 

right

Eren

i dont really know

Armin

well i mean anything counts as long as it isnt incest right

Mikasa

i hope ur titan girlfriend turns you into a 2D figure

Eren

but i felt the connection of our souls

looking deep into his eyes..

i felt fate tug at my heartstrings

Armin

then you guys proceeded to bump uglies

Eren

then he told me commander erwin was constipated because he unknowingly ate bat

but it didnt matter what he said because he laughed after

a sound so perfect as it rung in my ears, even if it didnt last long,,

Mikasa

Im gonna see if its possible to text annie inside her titan

Armin

maybe if he ate me instead he wouldnt end up constipated...

also whats up with the big vocab

Eren 

wym????????

Armin

Eren everyone knows ur vocabulary is more limited than sashas

Eren

NO.

not that bad

Armin 

ok maybe not but still

i can dig up ur old wattpad drafts

Eren

you will not.

Armin

im pretty sure our 3rd grade english teacher went cross eyed trying to teach you how to spell 

Eren 

whatever

anyways after that i realized i was madly in love with the corporal!

Armin

bro everytime youre with him i cant tell if u want to vore him or whore the living lights outta him

i think youve outsimped me but naturally ur just too stupid to realize anything

Mikasa

**childish admiration

Armin

Mikasa i dont think having a "corporals used and old hankies" collection is childish admiration

Mikasa

Eren.

Eren

ahaha uh i suddenly cant read

Armin

oh so youre illiterate too now?

Eren

but his hankies smell so good

Armin

IM TELLING YOU EREN ITS A JIZZ SOCK

Eren

it doesnt matter cause he wont be needing one anymore

Mikasa

I could almost be thankful to annie at this point

Eren

anyways i confessed

Mikasa

YOU WHAT  
  


Armin

WHAT NOW

Eren 

WAIT LOOK OUT

____

(Maybe 3 days ago)

  
Levi

  
10:00 pm 

Eren

Captain why do you hold your cup that way

Levi

to avoid another devastating heartbreak 

Eren

you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want 

Levi

i wasn’t going to

Eren

oh

Levi

i thought I blocked you from our personal chat

Eren

you dId

bUt

Levi

but hanji hacked the settings

Eren

ehehe

Levi

dont ehehe me eren

i can report you for sexual misconduct anytime

Eren

you wouldn’t 

Levi

oh I would

Eren

i never even sexually harassed you

unless

you thought of it that way 

🤔🤭

Levi

saying you want to impregnate a superior isnt sexual misconduct?

Eren

it was a joke ..

Levi

am I laughing rn?

Eren

uh

Levi

AM I LAUGHING RN???

Eren

you could report me but you 

didn’t 

Levi

try me bitch

Eren

what if I do

Levi

then im filing a restraining order against you

Eren

but why

Levi

but why 

BUT WHY

do I look like a joke to you 

Eren

youre very beautiful

Levi

.

are you even hearing me rn

Eren

I have to say something 

Levi

im blocking you

Eren

and I 

will always love you 

Levi

.

I’m still gonna block you

Eren

Captain I have a poem for you 

Levi

no please don’t 

I’m sure ur sister lover would wanna hear it though 

Eren

but it’s not for her it’s for you

Levi

NO

Eren

My love is like a red red nose

Levi

NOO

also it’s **rose wtf

Eren

armin told me to say this one..

Levi

Eren

If that nazi child isn’t planning a purge then he’s probably high on heroin and his own asscrack

Eren

true true

but I’m drop dead serious 

Levi

no you’re a prepubescent little shit that can’t keep his dick down and his mouth shut 

____  
  


WEBADBOYS

10:10 pm

Erbrows

Levi?

Hello?

Horny4titans

omg is he not answering the door 

Erbrows

Both of them aren’t responding

Horny4titans

oh?

OHHHHHHHHHHHH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHH

Erbrows

Oh?

Horny4titans

Erwin it’s happening!!

Erbrows

I don’t understand 

Horny4titans 

THEYRE HAVING A BABY

Erbrows

I’m going to start banging on the door

Horny4titans 

NO ERWIN

theres a different kind of banging goin on

Levi

oh hey you’re finally here 

Erbrows

We have been standing outside for 3 minutes.

Horny4titans

SO WHO TOPPED

Levi

What?

Eren

I did

Horny4titans

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID 

ERWIN CONGRATULATE LEVI

Erbrows

Congratulations ?

Levi

??

  
  


Eren

jk nothing happened 

😞

Levi

??

Horny4titans

😞😞😞😞

Erbrows

..

Anyways Eren please add your friend here 

Eren

which one 

Erwin

The blonde girl

Eren

huh 

OH UM

**Eren added Armin to WEBADBOYS**

Armin

hi

Erbrows

Oh you’re a boy

Armin

...

FVJAVXNSBXNSBDBSBZ

Erbrows

Er

You speak English right?

Armin

Jshsjshshsgshgjshkahsjsg

Eren

yes he does 

Erbrows

Well if you say so

I’ve heard about your suggestions from Eren about who the female titan is

Eren

um sir maybe we can reschedule the meeting

Erbrows

Would you mind telling me yourself?

Armin

Commander Erwin

Erbrows

?

Armin

Are you maybe

interested in receiving a blowjob 

Eren

now ye done fookd up m8

Horny4titans

Ö

Levi✨✨

and i thought eren was bad

Erbrows

Excuse me?

Horny4titans

SAY WHAT NOW

Levi✨✨

NOSJHSBBHSJ

ERWIN SAY SIKE RFN

Armin

hey captain

Levi✨✨

what.

Armin

youre like 

mikasa

but with a extended body part

Levi✨✨

We are not related.

Armin

pew pew

ahjahajsajkxjxjz

Eren

ARMIN DID YOU INHALE ODM GAS

Armin

and nail polish

hdgagfshhdhahaag

commander eggbertttt

i want u 2 paint me like one of ur french grillsssssss

😭😭😭😭😭

Levi

wow i didn’t think there were greater disappointments out there other than you eren

Eren

same same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and suggestions, they mean a lot to me <33
> 
> Twitter:Malkandcookies1
> 
> FOLLOW MEEE for edits and other gang shit   
> I’m gonna be dropping another edit soon
> 
> ALSO IM REVIVING THE EREN EREN (Ereri) SERIES

**Author's Note:**

> pls FolLow me on Twitter Malkandcookies1 for updates or suggestions. or like dm me if u wanna be friends. I’ll be posting chapters aLOT


End file.
